Final Post: This blog has moved

Hello everyone,

Thanks to an overhaul of the O Positive Coaching website recently, we have successfully moved the blog so that it is now incorporated into the website.

I invite you to check out the site, read the new blog postings, leave any comments, and most importantly, Subscribe on the blog page.

See you at the new address!

Selena

23. Much more fun than online dating

I was asked recently about the efficacy of online dating, and for those of you who read my blog, you already know that I have a lot of reservations about online dating.

Instead, I want to suggest an alternative that cuts out a lot of neurotic behaviors and should be a lot more fun.

If you're convinced that you haven't met interesting people nearby (i.e., in the same state,) maybe you should try a standing social + activities group.  For example, I came across a group recently on Meetup.com called Social Fun.  For a joining fee of under $6/year, you get to go to locally-organized activities like hiking, eating out, dancing, kayaking, etc.  The premise is that you meet someone interesting, have fun doing something together, and maybe you'd like to see the person again without the pressure of having to decide whether you're dating or not.

Wow!  No second-guessing whether your profile picture and write-up are doing you justice, face-to-face versus virtual interactions from the start, safe because there are others with you, meet a number of people rather than be trapped with only one stranger, and in a no-pressure environment where the only expectation is that you all have fun.  And, if you'd like to see someone again, just suggest to him/her that you both show up at the next event.  Sounds like a good plan to me!

P.S.  Check out any group's description, leadership, members, and fees first to make sure that they're legit and isn't a front set up to sell you something you don't want.

22. Maurice Sendak

How he lit up my life with his stories and drawings--stark and funny and sad and defiant and passionate.  My daughter's face in deep concentration as she studied the pages of the Nutshell Library, and three-year-old voice singing, "boiled up a pot, of chicken soup, and swallowed it away."  How many times had I excitedly given his books to the children in my life?  There will be many more times.

As Maurice Sendak said: "Live your life!  Live your life!  Live your life!"

21. Get to Re-Know You

Happy spring, everyone!

Here is something to stir you and your partner up and get out of the winter doldrums: Talk about what may be hidden in your memory bank about shared experiences, what you've been thinking about but haven't said to each other, and even what you haven't given time to think about but would be fun to share.

Restaurant.com partnered with author, Keith Ferrazzi, to put together the "Greenlight Dining Guide for Dining with a Significant Other."

At the very least these simple suggestions will prompt you to have interesting conversations, and are likely to strengthen the bond you already have with each other.

Thanks to Angelina for sending this useful link!

20. The Economist on Online Dating Efficacy

According to a new paper from Northwestern University as discussed in The Economist's article, "The Modern Matchmakers," a couple of things that I've theorized are now backed up by research:

• The volume of online and speed dating can make people focus too much on physical attributes rather than on what really matters in a long-term relationship.
• The online services appear to use people's self-declared wants to match them to potential partners.  This approach is faulty because data from speed dating show that people's stated preferences prior to the process do not match the characteristics of those they actually choose.

So other than using the online sites as a marketplace for single people, buyers beware of any online dating service's inflated claim that their algorithm will magically select the right people with whom you would want to share a lifetime (or for that matter, a couple of hours.)

19. Where are all the interesting singles?

In this new year, I've begun to do something different.

I've been going to a lot of different networking events and business meetings in which I don't know the attendees.  I say "a lot" but it's only one or two per week--that's about as many as I can handle.

In doing so, I'm meeting people who I wouldn't usually encounter, but I'm meeting them in known contexts.  I'm finding that there is usually at least one person who is interesting to chat with:  the more you find out about that person, the more you have to talk about.  The ones who are not so interesting--well, you just drift away from gracefully.

One expectation that I'm not going into these events or meeting with is that I will come away with any specific benefit other than getting comfortable putting myself out there, without excuses, without a shtick--just being me.  And the more I do it, the more easily it flows.  In fact, I'm coming away with more than confidence because I usually do meet and connect with some interesting people outside of my regular circles.

So where are all the interesting singles?  They're out there, just outside of your regular circles.  The challenge is to put yourself out there.  It may even be fun.

18. Reciprocity of a (Seesaw) Relationship

In thinking about how friction is handled within a relationship, I came up with the seesaw (or teeter-totter) analogy, but one where the fulcrum supporting the seats can move up or down, and the seesaw platform can also move 360 degrees.

If you could imagine two people in a relationship, either at the beginning or when together for years, are sitting facing each other at the ends of the seesaw.  Imagine further that the height of the fulcrum dictates how high each bounce will go, and the turn of the seesaw dictates which view each rider gets.

At any given time, both people are making decisions, some consciously and some not, about how to conduct themselves, how to communicate with each other, how much they'll attend to what each other needs or wants, and whether what they're getting out of the ride justifies keeping it going.

Qualitatively, each person could rate the ride they get based on the following dimensions:

• How safe do I feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating?
• Am I enjoying the view?
• If I wanted to change the height of the fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would my partner help me?
• If I wanted to take a break and go to the bathroom or do something else, would my partner help me get off and wait for me to come back?

Conversely, each person could rate the ride they give:

• How safe do I make my partner feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating for my partner?
• Is my partner enjoying the view?
• If my partner wants to change the height of fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would I help him/her?
• If my partner wanted to take a break, would I let him/her get off safely and wait until he/she is back?

You probably remember some of your actual seesaw experiences:  Being bounced on your seat too fast, getting bored because the ride was too slow as the other kid whined about how scary it is, arguing with the other kid because he wouldn't take his feet off the ground while laughing at you maniacally, walking off because you're not having fun anymore, trying to get off the seesaw when the other kid pushed down unexpectedly so that you fell off, or being surprised when the other kid took off and you're left sitting by yourself, wondering what happened.

You've probably also experienced laughing merrily while seesawing at the perfect rhythm and speed, and because you understood and trusted each other, you were both willing to try a variation or special trick one of you thought up.  And when one of you wanted to get off, it was certain that you would both get back on together again -- because it would surely be fun.