8. How to get to know a stranger quickly

A couple of days ago, I had a really interesting discussion with Alma about the challenges of getting to know people in the academic classroom setting, when it's the only place where you have contact.

I think a couple of the points from our discussion are applicable to the dating scene, especially to Bunni's comment under the fourth post that it's very difficult to get to know someone's deeper qualities based on what they tell you on first or second dates.

Point #1:  It's much easier to figure out people's strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and credibility when you are able to observe them in any activity that requires demonstration of dependability, skills, knowledge, ability and interaction with others while under the pressure to perform.

For example, Alma got to know her sailing teammates (and to a lesser extent people on other teams) in a compressed period of time through direct observation and indirect corroboration by:

• Seeing who shows up on time prepared to work out, practice and race.
• Sailing with different people on a 2-person boat at practices and regattas.
• Hearing others comment on their current and past experiences sailing with each other.
• Hearing coaches comment on how individuals and pairs performed in a variety of situations, and give critique on how they can improve.
• Observing people's behavior and communication during regattas, and when not racing.
• Seeing how people respond to wins and losses, and when receiving comments and critiques.
• On long trips to regattas, swapping stories about family and friends, and discussing/debating ideas or topics that come up.
• At social events, seeing what people's friends are like, how they interact with others.

Taken together, these are optimal opportunities within a two to three month period to observe and learn about someone's patterns of behavior in terms of self-motivation and motivation of others, resiliency, communication style, relationships, sense of humor, concern for others, appreciation of others' contributions to the team, openness to input and making improvements, problem-solving ability and style, performance under stress, and passion, commitment, and follow-through.

In summary, you can figure out whether a person is one you can rely on and learn from; with whom you can grow, have fun and spend most of your time; who will appreciate you for who you are and what you offer; and will build relationships with those you care about.

Point #2:  Assuming that you have no contact with a person outside limited settings such as the classroom (or on dates at coffee shops and restaurants), you have only their words, voice, body language, attendance and timeliness of arrival (or phone call/text messages) to observe.  You may be able to piece together bits and pieces of the authentic person, but you are seeing discrete slices of the person in a short period of time, and without any benefit of third-party confirmation.  This dilemma makes it easy for one to assume the wrong things about someone -- both good and bad.

Short of inviting yourself over for three days or joining a sports team together when dating someone, what can you do to size up and figure out a stranger quickly?

While this may take some wily planning on your part, before deciding whether to be exclusive with someone,

1. learn from him/her the activity(ies) or field(s) which is a source of enjoyment and pride, and in which he/she is an active participant.
2. Engage the help of someone from within your own circle who has expertise in (or deep knowledge of) that activity or field.
3. Create an opportunity with sufficient time allowance for the expert to thoroughly assess your date, both when you're present and when you're not, to see how his/her behavior changes.

My husband's favorite example, being a basketball player, is Michelle asking her basketball coach brother, Craig Robinson, to give Barack Obama the once over after they began dating.  Read a version of it on Esquire.  Even if you're not looking for presidential material, having someone whose judgment you trust observe your date's performance and reflect on the implications for his/her character is an invaluable way to get that reality check.

Don't despair if your immediate circle is rather homogeneous -- reach outside the circle.  In my immediate circle, I can count on people who have deep knowledge of finances, basketball, medicine, music recording and performance, veterinary medicine, small car racing, cooking, art-making, and linguistics.  If I reach outside of my immediate circle, I can also tap into the world of fundraising, poetry, triathlons, marketing, modern dancing, physics, investment banking, architecture, translation, fashion design, military history, to name a few.

Here's the point:  You don't have to figure someone out on your own based on limited information -- get a fuller picture of someone's true character by observing him/her in active pursuit of an interest or passion before you commit.  Sound reasonable?

7. The difficulty of getting beyond the superficial stuff

I remember receiving the printed “face book” the first day I arrived at college. This was before the Internet was popularized, when the equivalent of online dating was through personal ads in newspapers.

I'm sure that most of us in the class made conjectures about our classmates’ likability, coolness, and date-ability based only on the listings of name, hometown, secondary school, and 1”x1.25” b/w photo. And if someone’s photo was not printed, there was even more speculation about what that meant.

Asked directly, we would probably all have agreed that the college admissions office had vetted each person for possessing a certain level of intelligence, strength of character, and drive for learning and achievement, and that our two dimensional face book entries couldn't possibly have summed us sufficiently. However, this knowledge did not prevent most of us from making up stories and unfounded judgments about others.

In our defense, the human brain strives to create an understandable pattern using limited information interpreted through our varied upbringing and experiences. While this is not in itself a bad thing, research shows that unless we are making choices for others or are offered choices specifically in a longer-term context, our brain defaults to short-term thinking with a preference for instant gratification. You can read more about this research here.

It should come as no surprise that when asked what is desired in a mate, many single people list off attributes that fall under the instantly gratifying category: good looks, admirable physical build, profession, income level, interests and activities, etc. These surface qualities are easy to identify, but as discussed in the fourth post, can have little or no correlation to the intrinsic stuff like motivations and drivers, values, and integrity of action – the stuff that is significant for fit as a mate.

While these intrinsic qualities are revealed to others over time through shared experiences, they may be hidden to one self. I’m sure that you can think of at least one person you know well whose self-image is vastly different from the actual person.

Faced with these natural impediments to good judgment, what does one do when trawling through online profiles or meeting someone new?

Here are my suggestions, at a bird’s eye level:

1. Get to know your authentic self: Do self-assessment to get to know your own intrinsic qualities.
2. Train yourself to approach new profiles and people as if you are seeking a mate for a good friend, with a focus on detecting and learning the person’s intrinsic qualities.
3. If you feel uncertain or weak in assessing profiles or people's character, consider asking someone you know to be your dating advisor; this should be someone who:
• You trust, and
• Is objective and a good judge of people’s character; and
• if possible, have experience with happy relationships.

What do you think?

6. Happy Couple = Highest Performing Team?

This is one of my favorite subjects, hands down.

I love happy couples -- they radiate good stuff to others:  good smiles, good feelings, homes that are comfortable to others, good arguments, good stories.   Some even have well-trained pets and/or raise good kids.  You want to spend time with them because it's obvious that they enjoy each other's company, and they generously include others in their happiness.

A happy couple doesn't need an audience to show that they value and care about each other because it's their daily reality.  They don't shy away from their problems or bear pain silently because they understand that friction, difficulties, and differences of opinion won't break their relationship apart, but can make it stronger.  They don't fear exposure of their weaknesses because doing so allows them to work on bringing out the best in each other.

What makes them this way?

From my own anecdotal observations, it's because all the happy couples have these requirements:

1. Both people value the same lifestyle and share a vision for the future
2. They have very different personalities and drives, and value these differences in each other
3. They continually give to each other emotionally and physically
4. They work on and resolve individual and common problems together 

You will notice that I left off things like common interests or activities.  While they're nice to have, they actually matter much less than people think.

In the working world, the high performing team is a close parallel because it requires members that have different but complementary skills, knowledge, and abilities, and have different ways of thinking.  They must be able to communicate regularly and authentically with each other to identify and analyze problems and situations, and generate and debate new ideas and approaches to solve existing and new problems.  They must be able to figure out and appreciate what motivates others, give recognition for what each person brings to the table, learn from/mentor/teach others, and trust that each person is committed to thinking and working to strengthen each other and the team.  Individuals in the team may take on a variety of roles depending on what is needed, ranging from doing routine tasks to organizing, or researching to leading the team.  Lastly, in order for there to be a sense of shared investment in and reward from being part of the team, each person must wholeheartedly support where the team is headed and what they're trying to achieve.

Where the team parallel ends is at the emotional and sexual:  Happy couples can and do get very angry with each other, occasionally saying or doing hurtful things.  They are comfortable revealing deeply personal thoughts to each other.  Also, it's a good thing for couples to spend aimless, leisure time together, and feel romantic love and lust for each other -- kissing, hugging and having sex -- as much and whenever possible, in fact.

Why does any of this matter to you -- a single person seeking a mate?  My idea is that these basic happy couples requirements can be used to guide your search.  Below are some question that you should ask yourself, no dodging or platitudes.  After you find your own answers, pose them when you meet with your dates.  If nothing else, these questions could make for interesting date discussions.

• Lifestyle and Vision for the Future (should be the same or very similar to yours):

1. What type of lifestyle do you want?  How is it different from your life now?
2. How would you like to be able to describe the life you led when you're 80 or 90 years old?  Why?
3. Are you happy at work?  Why/Why not?

• Personalities and Drives (should be different from and complementary to yours)

1. What are you good at?  What do you need help with?
2. What do you enjoy spending time doing?  Why?
3. What do you hate doing?  Why?
4. What do your friends complement you for?  What are their complaints about you?

• Giving to others emotionally (see whether your date has meaningful relationships with others, and show appreciation for different personalities)

1. Who do you spend most of your free time with?  Why?
2. Who are the people you implicitly trust?  Why?
3. What's your family like?  Who are you close to and why?

• Self-awareness, approach to solving problems:

1. Why do you think you're driven to do the things that you like to do?
2. What are you dissatisfied with in your life?  Why?  What are you doing to change that?
3. What wouldn't you ever change in your life?  Why not?
4. Why are you dating now?  What are you hoping you'll find in a date?

If you try these questions, let me know what kind of results you get!