15. The Oriental Wife, some thoughts

In honor of the blog reaching over 1,000 views, I'm expanding the scope of the blog beyond dating.  Hopefully you'll see even more content to interest you!

I just finished reading the novel, The Oriental Wife, by Evelyn Toynton, and found it remarkable.

A quick read, the narrative flows effortlessly as the reader follows the complex emotional strain that lovers, family, social groups, war, and genocide impose on individuals.  The story begins with sketches of post-WWI Germany through Louisa and Rolf's points of view as children, and as Louisa becomes a young adult exiled in foreign lands, Nazism unfolds.  In adulthood, their love story is shown through Rolf's view, whereas the disintegration of their relationship is observed by an older refugee couple, Louisa's childhood doctor and his wife.  Lastly we see the long-tailed impact of their broken and opaque history on Emma, their American-born daughter.

What strikes me about this story is that it is told strictly from the ground level -- there is no broad-brushing of history or high-minded symbolism and language.  All that is shown is how each individual responds to and thinks about what is happening, how they choose to interact with others, and the slow death wreaked by the human instinct to shield oneself from pain and suffering.

The book focuses not on morality but on experience, much like the way we relay stories about our childhood.  Louisa's time spent in London is occupied with being accepted and loved, rather than with the worrying fact that her father is sending a few valuables to her hidden in packages, signaling a curtailing of liberties.  What we tell others and understand about ourselves is based on how we have experienced our lives, which is entirely subjective and at times, bears no relation to events of significance to others.  We may attempt to contextualize written history, but history rarely trumps our varied, individual experiences.

Refugees cannot know what it must have been like for families and friends left behind who were brutalized or massacred.  They can only guess from afar, and those guesses are fraught with grief and guilt for not being there with them: "Even husbands and wives could not talk of those things, when they turned off the light, they lay silent, their backs to each other, and did not shut their eyes."  Rather than being free, refugees' lives are in a state of captive disruption, so that limited access to external resources (ability to make a living, physical comforts, and network of family and friends) is compounded by limited internal resources (emotional peace, certainty, sense of belonging, and ease of communication.)

At a micro-level, people suffering in unhappy relationships face the same types of challenges:  emotional isolation, self-doubt, uncertainty, pain, or feeling trapped.  Rolf willfully puts on blinders to hide from his fears and his sense of helplessness in the face of Louisa's affliction, blinders in the form of analytical work, refugee assistance, committee work.  It is easier for him to put effort into the mechanics of obtaining exit visas for other German Jews than to display emotional weakness, so that he distances himself physically and emotionally from his wife.  While this protects him at a day-to-day level, his choices oppress those closest to him and have devastating long-term consequences.

Toynton shows how "goodness" is a moving target, especially under extreme pressures and when the rules shift.  It would be reassuring to know that one could maintain one's capacity to love, and be wise enough to know what to do when tested by the unimaginable -- but there is no guarantee of success.

I highly recommend this thought-provoking and poignant book!

14. Signs Your Date Is a Narcissist

The majority of couples that split up do so because of problems communicating, or their values and lifestyle choices were irreconcilable, leading to a lack of intimacy and estrangement.  At the risk of sounding negative or paranoid, I would like to discuss the minority of couples with a serious problem -- where one of them turns out to have some form of narcissistic personality disorder.

I know some now-singles who ask:  "How could I have avoided shacking up with that pathological liar/user/egomaniac/manipulator/sociopath in the first place?"

While there are various theories as to the cause of this type of behavior and why he or she feels the need to entrap someone in a relationship, I claim no expertise nor do I have space in this blog to discuss them.

However, I can offer you the following:

1. Links to some interesting and relevant fictional works in the English language that you may enjoy:
• The Woman in White, Wilkie Collins, 1860
• Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhys, 1966
  
• "Morpho Eugenia," novella by Antonia S. Byatt, 1992
• Mad Men, TV series, 2007-present
2. Some common behaviors exhibited by antagonists in fiction and also in real life that, when taken in some combination, may signal the wisdom of taking to your heels:
• Starting from day one, your date oozes charm and puts a huge effort into sweeping you off your feet; including showering or overwhelming you with gifts, making significant gestures, and paying you obsessive in-person and electronic attention.
• Your date wants you to go on a "romantic getaway" or exotic trip together soon after you meet, before you feel like you know her.
• Your date wants to know everything about you, but is evasive or secretive, gives platitudes, or gives conflicting information when you ask probing questions or want to meet people in his life.
• Your date has no close friends that she wants you to get to know in person, even after a couple of months.
• Your date pressures you to commit to him soon after you meet; including saying things like I love you, I'm falling for you, let's elope, I can see us starting a family together, and/or I can see us growing old together.
• When you are hurt that he is shutting you out emotionally, he responds angrily, coldly, or apologizes that there are things he is not ready to talk about yet.
• If you met online, she says a lot of great stuff and you seem to be on "the same wavelength," but she always manages to avoid meeting in person.
3. Additional behavioral alerts to watch out for once you've made a commitment to your date: he/she soon begins to make moves to isolate you from your family and circle of friends, and to doubt yourself:
• She is charming in front of people you care about, but shows contempt for or speaks contemptuously about them when you are alone.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, he finds a variety of excuses to not go, makes only brief appearances, or is a no-show.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, she makes you feel guilty about preferring them to her, and is happy when you choose to not see them.
• He plants seeds of doubt in your mind as to whether people you care about truly care about you.
• She plants seeds of doubt about yourself by nitpicking or criticizing the way you are, look, and behave.

Some of the behaviors under #2 may seem like those of a love-struck person at the onset, especially if you are the recipient of the attention.  It is further helped along by the impulse to rationalize as discussed by Debra Weiner.  A narcissist's modus operandi is much like a high-pressure salesperson's pitch:  it relies on setting you up to perceive that what is offered is an unbelievably good deal, and that the limited-time offer will evaporate if you don't immediately buy.  It's the old bait and switch, with heartbreaking long-term consequences for the prey.

I can assure you that when someone truly cares about you, he or she is more likely to share openly, be patient, empathize, sees the best in you, and make effort to know those close to you.  You should always be suspicious of anyone who resorts to manipulative tactics such as pressuring, overwhelming, guilting, belittling, or other ways to make you doubt yourself.

13. Let's Tease Apart "Confidence"

When asked to describe what qualities would attract them to someone, most people list "being confident" as a must-have.

While this quality is popular, it means different things to different people, so I looked up the definition.  They include:

• Dictionary.com:  Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.  Feeling or showing certainty about something.
• Merriam-Webster.com:  Full of conviction, certainty. Having or showing assurance and self-reliance.
• TheFreeDictionary.com:  Very bold; presumptuous.

With these different meanings, confidence has a high potential to confuse and mislead those looking for it in a partner and those who seek to possess it.  I pose the following questions to you:

1. Is feeling confident as valuable in the person as showing confidence?
2. Does it matter what produces/is the source of this conviction/certainty/self-assurance?
3. Does being confident necessarily benefit a love relationship?

You already know the misadventures of certain confident politicians/business people and bankers/entertainers and sports figures.  Here are a some smaller scale examples of "confident" people I know:

Example #1:  He always wears the right clothes, has well-groomed hair and nails, and has an impressive CV.  His face is handsome and he has a ready smile.  Anyone meeting him sees him as confident.  However, upon longer acquaintance, I found that he is full of niggling self-doubts which express themselves in a need to constantly compare what he has with those around him, and then views himself as a victim when things seem to stack up against him.  There are multitudes of males and females like him, competently hiding behind a veneer of socially- and professionally-defined confidence.  Eww!

Example #2:  She is confident not because of her outward appearance, but because she has moral conviction, and she's going to make sure you know about it.  Her certainty is such that she doesn't hesitate to tell you why you're wrong and that her way is the only way.  Her self-assurance propels her to push her agenda with single-mindedness, never stopping to hear what others have to say, or to gauge the temperature and mood of the audience.  Whether male or female, the source of this type of confidence comes from a Higher Authority and is unshakable:  Ugh!

Example #3:  He is confident that he will capture a winning idea/project that will bring him riches and fame.  He seems the picture of energy, idealism, and persistence -- what an inspiration to others!  Over time, you realize that most of what he does is sell his vision -- there is no actual grunt work done to move from concept to reality, and there is no plan to do so.  He is attracted to those who honestly support him, and con-artists who use his self-confidence to turn a profit for themselves.  He is impervious to sensible critique, rejecting those offering it as "not believing in him" or "jealous, because they don't have his clarity of vision."  In my experience this type of self-deluding confidence runs more in males than in females.  Run away!

Example #4:  She had a childhood cluttered with hard knocks, saw the ugly side of people, and learned lessons the hard way.  She projects confidence and pride in who she is, built over time of turning rot into roses, doing work most people wouldn't, and learning who is trustworthy and who to keep out of her life.  She's tough and reserved on the outside, but is loyal and giving in the relationships she value.  However, she's a real pain in the ass when she disagrees with someone because she has real conviction that she is right and she won't let it go easily.  It takes skillful coaxing and time to get her to accept a different point of view, and I know many others like her, male and female.  Even though you'd have to put it work and exercise a good deal of patience, she's a keeper.

Based on my own observations, I posit that without self-awareness, empathy, and openness to productive and positive influence by others, a confident person is of no value to a long-term love relationship.

Let me know what you think.

12. What's Your Attachment Style?

In my life coaching class, the trainer pointed us to an online self-assessment site administered by UPenn's Dr. Martin Seligman, who heads their Positive Psychology Center.

There is one test that may be useful in your dating life because it gives an easy-to-understand result along with a short explanation of what it indicates.  Go to the Authentic Happiness site here, register, and then take the "Close Relationship" questionnaire -- be sure to read and follow the instructions.  The tests are free, and you can see the results right away.

If you find that your attachment style fits with how you envision a good long-term relationship for yourself, then you can be glad that your style is naturally on the right track.

If you find that your attachment style is problematic for or sabotages your vision for a good long-term relationship, don't lose heart.  Be glad to learn what you don't want in a relationship, and then you can begin to consider making some changes to counteract your natural tendency.

If you're already in a relationship, see if your partner would be willing to register and take the test with you.  If nothing else, it can spark discussions about what comes easily versus what is difficult in the relationship, and maybe lead to ideas for what you can both do differently to make things work well.

Let me know whether you find this useful!

11. From dating to the magical 5:1 ratio

I received thumbs up on Post #10 from readers (male and female alike) who are currently in happy relationships -- thanks for letting me know!  It seems that they view creating and maintaining their relationships an active, improvisational art, and they reap the rewards in overwhelmingly positive perceptions about and feelings for their partners, and a secure sense of self from feeling truly loved.

In the last post, I pointed out that researcher John Gottman, et al., found that couples expressing nonverbal cues and narratives about each other of at least 5 positives for each negative ended up staying happily together; and self-described happiest couples had a ratio of up to 20:1.

So scientific observations aside, how do two people who are just getting to know each other arrive at this magical 5:1 ratio?

One way is to follow some olden rules:  be kind to and appreciative of each other, avoid being critical, and be quick to forgive.  However, I find this set of advice simplistic and faulty because it allows a couple to ignore certain fundamental issues.

For an example, if my partner is immature, selfish, and ignores my needs regularly, my being consistently kind, non-critical, forgiving, and appreciative of her good qualities will make her very happy.  However, she may never learn why ignoring my needs will lead me to become unfulfilled or resentful.  She may even believe that everything is fine and that I'm perfectly content because I express only positivity to her.

For another example, if my partner and I both hold these rules of behavior as sacred, there is nothing to prevent us from falling into the trap of conflict- and risk-avoidance.  Over time, settling for what wouldn't rock the boat of our relationship can make individual happiness seem beside the point.  We may automatically suppress any difference of opinion, dissatisfaction with the relationship, or need for personal growth beyond what the relationship currently provide.

Without incorporating in-depth knowledge of each other's thinking, wishes and dreams, behaviors, and values, there is no way to truly appreciate each other.  Without that knowledge, you can't challenge each other to stretch and grow to become more than you currently are, or to live out that vision of your ideal future.  And without that striving and growth, how dreary and dull the rest of life will be!

While every relationship has its proverbial honeymoon period, it should not hold you back from figuring out who each other is as early as possible.  As an alternative to the old set of rules, I suggest the following communication habits to explore, stimulate, and stretch each other:

1. Learn what your date is looking for in life by regularly asking how he/she envisions the ideal future, and share your own vision.  This will give you an idea of whether you are enthusiastic for a future together, or whether a few dates will suffice.
2. Tell your date what you enjoy and value about him/her, his/her behavior, and why.  This will get you used to thinking about and appreciating what matters to you, while letting your date know you feel and what matters to you.
3. If your date behaves in a way that you feel devalues you or is incompatible with building your relationship,  point this out in a timely manner, ask for the reason, and tell why it struck you as negative.  This will get you used to tackling difficult issues, while allowing your date to reveal his/her level of self-awareness, how he/she handles conflict, and how he/she responds to challenges.  If you learn through this conversation and subsequent behavior that your date is flawed but willing to be more considerate, then you have found an excellent reason to value and praise your date.  On the other hand, if he/she ignores, dismisses, or responds aggressively to your concerns, then you have found evidence that he/she's not the right partner for you.
4. If your date brings up an issue about your behavior, be prepared to listen openly, ask why it's perceived negatively (especially if you don't know!) and seriously consider whether a change to your behavior would serve you in the long run.  This will get you used to being open to the good influences of another person.
5. Lastly, encourage your date to do the same with you so that the benefits won't be one-sided.

Over time, you will change physically and emotionally, your vision of the ideal future may change, and what you appreciate about a partner may also change.  If you and your partner practice the art of improvisational, authentic communication regularly, getting to that 5:1 ratio will become second-nature!

10. Which chemistry is the right chemistry?

Having read a number of books written by single authors sharing their experiences playing the dating field (and who continue on in their single state at the end of the books, incidentally), I find that they all have difficulty determining the type of chemistry to prioritize.

They generally give the top spot to "physical chemistry"--that excitement generated by someone's physical appearance, the feel of their touch and kiss, the quality of their voice, and/or their ability to have the great sex with you--and then are baffled when things don't work out.

Understand that I'm an enthusiastic supporter (and beneficiary) of physical chemistry.  However, while physical chemistry will make a good relationship even better, it does not create a good relationship.  In fact, a not-so-good relationship will eventually sour the best of physical chemistry.

On the other hand, as I'd discussed earlier in post #5, positive "relational chemistry" will enhance physical chemistry.  Build a solid foundation for the house first, build the house, and THEN decorate it.

To give you a simplistic summary of what constitutes relational chemistry in a new couple, I take liberty in paraphrasing John Gottman's, et al., longitudinal research on factors that predict with 87% accuracy newlyweds' trajectory toward a happy marriage, a stable but unhappy marriage, or divorce:

• Positive perceptions of each other's behaviors and qualities and the relationship, as demonstrated by how the couple talks about and interacts with each other (including display of fondness, affection, complimenting, teasing, humor, smiling, touching, turning, using "we," etc.)  For couples that are predicted to have a happy marriage, the ratio of positive versus negative interplay is 5 to 1, respectively.  For comparison, the couples most happy with their marriage have a ratio of up to 20 to 1, whereas the couples that later divorce have a ratio of 0.8 to 1. 
• In the face of negativity or in conflict situations that inevitably come up, for those predicted to have a happy marriage, one partner exercises de-escalating and "repairing" abilities that are effective in "soothing" the partner experiencing heightened (physiological) stress.  Examples of de-escalation and repairing include putting a brake on the escalating conflict, acknowledging the situation, taking responsibility, saying sorry, giving the other authentic attention, using humor, or showing other signs of care; note that as a couple gains more experience with each other, these tactics will be effective only if the relationship has a history of being perceived positively by both partners.

You can read some of the research papers (including the minor differences for same-sex couples) here, and see the 4-part video of a Gottman lecture here.

Most happy couples did not read this research or use this research as a roadmap for building their relationship--they mostly improvised.  Nonetheless, I'm sure that like me, they would wholeheartedly agree that the research tracks consistently with relationships we've observed around us:  the good and great ones, the ailing ones, and the ones that broke up.

So my advice is this:  as you're dating, rather than spend too much time getting "sexy" to keep a date interested, pay close attention to the following:

1. Perceptions expressed by you and your date, verbally and non-verbally, while
• Describing each other to someone else; or
• Describing you and your date's shared experiences to someone else.
2. How you and your date interact during a sensitive or tense discussion, or while handling a difficult/problematic situation.

Where you may find it difficult to be attentive and objective in the moment, you can ask trusted friends/family members to tell you what they observe in your interactions.

Thanks to Alma Lafler for making me aware of John Gottman and his colleagues' research--this is fascinating work.

9. Consider the quiet ones for a change

We visited friends this past week in the North Country--we'll call the place Crystal Lake--where the cell signal is so weak you might as well shut the phone off.

While enjoying the meditative state that inevitably sets in, I was drawn to the many parallels between this jewel of a place and the most overlooked type of people on the dating scene--the quiet ones.

First, here's a picture of Crystal Lake for you:  nestled in rolling hills, bounded by a pine forest, a bungalow with porch facing the clear water, with no visible neighbors except a duo of nesting loons.  It's a place with deep history, natural beauty, impossibly lazy days, and starlit night sky.  Its stewards over time have carefully guarded it to preserve the best of itself.

Now, here are the parallels with people who are quiet--those thought of as "shy" by some:

There is no advertisement.  If you didn't know to look for it, you wouldn't be able to find it.  Likewise, quiet people aren't going to speak up around those they don't know well, and are not inclined to compete for the spotlight.  Next to Sociable, Dramatic, Comedic, Tragic, Loud, or Self Important, you will not easily notice Quiet in the crowd unless your senses are attuned.

You have to go the extra mile.  Just as Crystal Lake is not easily accessible without an investment of time and effort to get there, a quiet person requires time and effort to get to know.

There is a high barrier of entry.  You will not be invited there simply by being charming or by paying dollars.  Rather, you have to earn the steward's trust.  Most quiet people I know are not likely to let just anyone into his/her trust, even if it's a friend's friend.

Competition won't be as tough.  Crystal Lake won't ever be overrun with visitors because it doesn't offer any manufactured excitement.  Same with quiet people--they tend to be overlooked by others since they don't call attention to themselves.  You won't have to jostle with a flock of preeners or squawkers to be noticed, therefore you can dispense with rehearsed pick up routines or a slick act.

Quietness should not be equated with a lack of preference or edginess.  It's easy to be lulled into believing that such an accommodating place has no expectations or challenges--that it's there to serve you.  In fact, the place rejects ATVs, speedboats, noisy gadgets, badly-behaved people and pets, and pointless chatter.  It wants melodic harmonies, unending, silly board games, delicious meals thrown together with everyone pitching in, and deep, authentic sharing.  It'll surprise one with prehistoric-looking insects, angry lightning storms, perfect luna moths, and animal jaw bones half buried in the woods.  As long as one is open-minded, these surprises add interest to its attractions.  Quiet people will reveal what make them tick and in what ways they are attractive and interesting, if you make the effort to find out.

You have to behave like a caretaker to be invited back.  Don't expect a guaranteed return ticket just because you were invited there once.  You have to continue to demonstrate your respect for the place and its character, be willing to protect and preserve its privacy, and either restore it to the state you found it or make it better in the right spirit.  With quiet people, you also have to continue to show that you care and value the person and the relationship.  If you are persistent in your care and attention, you will be rewarded with loyalty and tenacious love not easily diluted over time.

Just think what beauty, depth, and fulfilling relationship you may find if you take a chance on a quiet one.

Do you agree or disagree?  Post your comments or email me your thoughts!