18. Reciprocity of a (Seesaw) Relationship

In thinking about how friction is handled within a relationship, I came up with the seesaw (or teeter-totter) analogy, but one where the fulcrum supporting the seats can move up or down, and the seesaw platform can also move 360 degrees.

If you could imagine two people in a relationship, either at the beginning or when together for years, are sitting facing each other at the ends of the seesaw.  Imagine further that the height of the fulcrum dictates how high each bounce will go, and the turn of the seesaw dictates which view each rider gets.

At any given time, both people are making decisions, some consciously and some not, about how to conduct themselves, how to communicate with each other, how much they'll attend to what each other needs or wants, and whether what they're getting out of the ride justifies keeping it going.

Qualitatively, each person could rate the ride they get based on the following dimensions:

• How safe do I feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating?
• Am I enjoying the view?
• If I wanted to change the height of the fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would my partner help me?
• If I wanted to take a break and go to the bathroom or do something else, would my partner help me get off and wait for me to come back?

Conversely, each person could rate the ride they give:

• How safe do I make my partner feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating for my partner?
• Is my partner enjoying the view?
• If my partner wants to change the height of fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would I help him/her?
• If my partner wanted to take a break, would I let him/her get off safely and wait until he/she is back?

You probably remember some of your actual seesaw experiences:  Being bounced on your seat too fast, getting bored because the ride was too slow as the other kid whined about how scary it is, arguing with the other kid because he wouldn't take his feet off the ground while laughing at you maniacally, walking off because you're not having fun anymore, trying to get off the seesaw when the other kid pushed down unexpectedly so that you fell off, or being surprised when the other kid took off and you're left sitting by yourself, wondering what happened.

You've probably also experienced laughing merrily while seesawing at the perfect rhythm and speed, and because you understood and trusted each other, you were both willing to try a variation or special trick one of you thought up.  And when one of you wanted to get off, it was certain that you would both get back on together again -- because it would surely be fun.

17. It's You I Want, Not Your Persona

When I arrived at college, I was tough.

Not nearly as tough as Lisbeth Salander, but tough nonetheless.  Being in a vulnerable position economically, class-wise, racially, and sexually as a young person either withers one or makes one develop a hard exterior.  It's easy to maintain that hard exterior because not caring what other people think becomes a habit, and striking out at those who hurt you in the past or who threaten you no longer seem to hold consequences.  I created a hard exterior that was difficult even for my family to deal with -- I was prepared to turn people off, and I've no doubt that I turned off a lot of people.

However, underneath the loud-mouthed, spiked-haired, angry person, I had plenty of love and caring to give.  Luckily for me, after a few misguided flings with people who were more interested in pleasing themselves than getting to know me, I encountered true love.

He says that he noticed me because of the way I looked, but grew to like me because of the way I was.  I didn't even really know who I was then, but merely defined myself by what I wasn't.  But the way he treated me made me feel like I could let down my guard.

That's the beginning of peeling off the exoskeleton, which, not surprisingly, took years to shed.  Now I hardly ever get angry, and I rarely go out of my way to get back at someone who has done me wrong.  Is that bad?  Have I lost my old passion?  Certainly I live in a very different environment than when I was young.  I don't really feel the loss because it took a lot of energy to brood and stay angry.  Energy that I prefer to devote to maintaining a deep connection with my daughter, with my husband, with my sisters and their kids, with my mother, with my friends.  I haven't forgotten my experiences, and I've still got the same mind, the same strengths, and the same will.

Maybe I miss looking really cool with my spiked hair, scowl, and being stand-offish.  At times, I'm still a little antisocial, and I know that I startle friends sometimes with the barbs that slip out of my mouth.  However, I've managed to peel away most of that persona that I had to make to protect myself from people and environments that were hazardous.

Now I behave and think the way I want to, rather than inflexibly, within the limits of my image of a strong, self-contained, don't f***-with-me girl.  If I had to live with her, I know that I would eventually get sick of her.

16. Choosing to Be Happy Together

There's nothing like having a near-death experience to quickly clear up whatever may be fogging up your lens.

Ric Elias spoke at the 2011 TED conference about how, when his passenger plane came down for a crash-landing on the Hudson River, he suddenly realized that he'd wasted too much time on things that didn't matter -- arguing with his wife and others he cares about because his ego got in the way.

However, most of us don't usually get the opportune jolting from our daily existence to reflect deeply on what is most important to us.  Maybe we see a particularly good film, read an insightful book, or do some imaginative self-inquiry to help us focus on how we would live our lives the way we would want to if we were to meet an untimely end.

And even if we got that lightning bolt to illuminate what we most want in our closest relationships, would we follow through with our resolution to do better?

It's easy to show appreciation for the person you choose to love at those pivotal and high-profile moments:  when one of you first say "I love you" and the other one responds in kind; on Valentine's Day, at your marriage ceremony; when your child is born/adopted; at your first anniversary or your tenth; when you invite all your friends to witness you renewing your vows; or when you send your first or last kid to college.

What about during the non-eventful parts of your daily life, when no one else is watching?  Do you give him a hug because he stops the argument and acknowledges that you may be right?  Do you kiss her when she points out that you're acting just like the father you said you would never want to be?  Do you tell him that he made you feel cared for and loved when he made dinner and spent the evening playing with little Jane while you worked until 11pm?  Do you thank her every day that she leaves the negative stuff at work rather than dumping on you?

If you have habitually taken your love for granted, given free rein to your desire to be right, or spilled your bottled-up frustrations at home without mopping it up, you don't have to buy a ticket to a near-death experience to slap you into shape.

Instead, remember just two things:

1. Neither you nor your partner voluntarily made a commitment to be together so that one of you could be a silent partner, second fiddle, nag, housekeeper, maid, au pair, bookkeeper, bully, or punching bag.
2. You both signed up to be happy together.

Being happy together means trusting that you have each other's back, so that one picks up the slack when the other runs out of strength, one gives the other credit for things done well and support given, and in cases where one is weak, the other is there to give fortification.  This is a reciprocal dance in which both partners are prepared to lead or follow as the situation demands, and the roles are never fixed.  A truly happy couple is also able to give each other the ultimate benefit:  they push each other to become more than if they were on their own -- more insightful, more creative, more empathetic, more flexible, more prepared to tackle the unforeseen, more honest to themselves, and more alive.

So which trajectory do you choose to be on?

15. The Oriental Wife, some thoughts

In honor of the blog reaching over 1,000 views, I'm expanding the scope of the blog beyond dating.  Hopefully you'll see even more content to interest you!

I just finished reading the novel, The Oriental Wife, by Evelyn Toynton, and found it remarkable.

A quick read, the narrative flows effortlessly as the reader follows the complex emotional strain that lovers, family, social groups, war, and genocide impose on individuals.  The story begins with sketches of post-WWI Germany through Louisa and Rolf's points of view as children, and as Louisa becomes a young adult exiled in foreign lands, Nazism unfolds.  In adulthood, their love story is shown through Rolf's view, whereas the disintegration of their relationship is observed by an older refugee couple, Louisa's childhood doctor and his wife.  Lastly we see the long-tailed impact of their broken and opaque history on Emma, their American-born daughter.

What strikes me about this story is that it is told strictly from the ground level -- there is no broad-brushing of history or high-minded symbolism and language.  All that is shown is how each individual responds to and thinks about what is happening, how they choose to interact with others, and the slow death wreaked by the human instinct to shield oneself from pain and suffering.

The book focuses not on morality but on experience, much like the way we relay stories about our childhood.  Louisa's time spent in London is occupied with being accepted and loved, rather than with the worrying fact that her father is sending a few valuables to her hidden in packages, signaling a curtailing of liberties.  What we tell others and understand about ourselves is based on how we have experienced our lives, which is entirely subjective and at times, bears no relation to events of significance to others.  We may attempt to contextualize written history, but history rarely trumps our varied, individual experiences.

Refugees cannot know what it must have been like for families and friends left behind who were brutalized or massacred.  They can only guess from afar, and those guesses are fraught with grief and guilt for not being there with them: "Even husbands and wives could not talk of those things, when they turned off the light, they lay silent, their backs to each other, and did not shut their eyes."  Rather than being free, refugees' lives are in a state of captive disruption, so that limited access to external resources (ability to make a living, physical comforts, and network of family and friends) is compounded by limited internal resources (emotional peace, certainty, sense of belonging, and ease of communication.)

At a micro-level, people suffering in unhappy relationships face the same types of challenges:  emotional isolation, self-doubt, uncertainty, pain, or feeling trapped.  Rolf willfully puts on blinders to hide from his fears and his sense of helplessness in the face of Louisa's affliction, blinders in the form of analytical work, refugee assistance, committee work.  It is easier for him to put effort into the mechanics of obtaining exit visas for other German Jews than to display emotional weakness, so that he distances himself physically and emotionally from his wife.  While this protects him at a day-to-day level, his choices oppress those closest to him and have devastating long-term consequences.

Toynton shows how "goodness" is a moving target, especially under extreme pressures and when the rules shift.  It would be reassuring to know that one could maintain one's capacity to love, and be wise enough to know what to do when tested by the unimaginable -- but there is no guarantee of success.

I highly recommend this thought-provoking and poignant book!

14. Signs Your Date Is a Narcissist

The majority of couples that split up do so because of problems communicating, or their values and lifestyle choices were irreconcilable, leading to a lack of intimacy and estrangement.  At the risk of sounding negative or paranoid, I would like to discuss the minority of couples with a serious problem -- where one of them turns out to have some form of narcissistic personality disorder.

I know some now-singles who ask:  "How could I have avoided shacking up with that pathological liar/user/egomaniac/manipulator/sociopath in the first place?"

While there are various theories as to the cause of this type of behavior and why he or she feels the need to entrap someone in a relationship, I claim no expertise nor do I have space in this blog to discuss them.

However, I can offer you the following:

1. Links to some interesting and relevant fictional works in the English language that you may enjoy:
• The Woman in White, Wilkie Collins, 1860
• Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhys, 1966
  
• "Morpho Eugenia," novella by Antonia S. Byatt, 1992
• Mad Men, TV series, 2007-present
2. Some common behaviors exhibited by antagonists in fiction and also in real life that, when taken in some combination, may signal the wisdom of taking to your heels:
• Starting from day one, your date oozes charm and puts a huge effort into sweeping you off your feet; including showering or overwhelming you with gifts, making significant gestures, and paying you obsessive in-person and electronic attention.
• Your date wants you to go on a "romantic getaway" or exotic trip together soon after you meet, before you feel like you know her.
• Your date wants to know everything about you, but is evasive or secretive, gives platitudes, or gives conflicting information when you ask probing questions or want to meet people in his life.
• Your date has no close friends that she wants you to get to know in person, even after a couple of months.
• Your date pressures you to commit to him soon after you meet; including saying things like I love you, I'm falling for you, let's elope, I can see us starting a family together, and/or I can see us growing old together.
• When you are hurt that he is shutting you out emotionally, he responds angrily, coldly, or apologizes that there are things he is not ready to talk about yet.
• If you met online, she says a lot of great stuff and you seem to be on "the same wavelength," but she always manages to avoid meeting in person.
3. Additional behavioral alerts to watch out for once you've made a commitment to your date: he/she soon begins to make moves to isolate you from your family and circle of friends, and to doubt yourself:
• She is charming in front of people you care about, but shows contempt for or speaks contemptuously about them when you are alone.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, he finds a variety of excuses to not go, makes only brief appearances, or is a no-show.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, she makes you feel guilty about preferring them to her, and is happy when you choose to not see them.
• He plants seeds of doubt in your mind as to whether people you care about truly care about you.
• She plants seeds of doubt about yourself by nitpicking or criticizing the way you are, look, and behave.

Some of the behaviors under #2 may seem like those of a love-struck person at the onset, especially if you are the recipient of the attention.  It is further helped along by the impulse to rationalize as discussed by Debra Weiner.  A narcissist's modus operandi is much like a high-pressure salesperson's pitch:  it relies on setting you up to perceive that what is offered is an unbelievably good deal, and that the limited-time offer will evaporate if you don't immediately buy.  It's the old bait and switch, with heartbreaking long-term consequences for the prey.

I can assure you that when someone truly cares about you, he or she is more likely to share openly, be patient, empathize, sees the best in you, and make effort to know those close to you.  You should always be suspicious of anyone who resorts to manipulative tactics such as pressuring, overwhelming, guilting, belittling, or other ways to make you doubt yourself.

13. Let's Tease Apart "Confidence"

When asked to describe what qualities would attract them to someone, most people list "being confident" as a must-have.

While this quality is popular, it means different things to different people, so I looked up the definition.  They include:

• Dictionary.com:  Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.  Feeling or showing certainty about something.
• Merriam-Webster.com:  Full of conviction, certainty. Having or showing assurance and self-reliance.
• TheFreeDictionary.com:  Very bold; presumptuous.

With these different meanings, confidence has a high potential to confuse and mislead those looking for it in a partner and those who seek to possess it.  I pose the following questions to you:

1. Is feeling confident as valuable in the person as showing confidence?
2. Does it matter what produces/is the source of this conviction/certainty/self-assurance?
3. Does being confident necessarily benefit a love relationship?

You already know the misadventures of certain confident politicians/business people and bankers/entertainers and sports figures.  Here are a some smaller scale examples of "confident" people I know:

Example #1:  He always wears the right clothes, has well-groomed hair and nails, and has an impressive CV.  His face is handsome and he has a ready smile.  Anyone meeting him sees him as confident.  However, upon longer acquaintance, I found that he is full of niggling self-doubts which express themselves in a need to constantly compare what he has with those around him, and then views himself as a victim when things seem to stack up against him.  There are multitudes of males and females like him, competently hiding behind a veneer of socially- and professionally-defined confidence.  Eww!

Example #2:  She is confident not because of her outward appearance, but because she has moral conviction, and she's going to make sure you know about it.  Her certainty is such that she doesn't hesitate to tell you why you're wrong and that her way is the only way.  Her self-assurance propels her to push her agenda with single-mindedness, never stopping to hear what others have to say, or to gauge the temperature and mood of the audience.  Whether male or female, the source of this type of confidence comes from a Higher Authority and is unshakable:  Ugh!

Example #3:  He is confident that he will capture a winning idea/project that will bring him riches and fame.  He seems the picture of energy, idealism, and persistence -- what an inspiration to others!  Over time, you realize that most of what he does is sell his vision -- there is no actual grunt work done to move from concept to reality, and there is no plan to do so.  He is attracted to those who honestly support him, and con-artists who use his self-confidence to turn a profit for themselves.  He is impervious to sensible critique, rejecting those offering it as "not believing in him" or "jealous, because they don't have his clarity of vision."  In my experience this type of self-deluding confidence runs more in males than in females.  Run away!

Example #4:  She had a childhood cluttered with hard knocks, saw the ugly side of people, and learned lessons the hard way.  She projects confidence and pride in who she is, built over time of turning rot into roses, doing work most people wouldn't, and learning who is trustworthy and who to keep out of her life.  She's tough and reserved on the outside, but is loyal and giving in the relationships she value.  However, she's a real pain in the ass when she disagrees with someone because she has real conviction that she is right and she won't let it go easily.  It takes skillful coaxing and time to get her to accept a different point of view, and I know many others like her, male and female.  Even though you'd have to put it work and exercise a good deal of patience, she's a keeper.

Based on my own observations, I posit that without self-awareness, empathy, and openness to productive and positive influence by others, a confident person is of no value to a long-term love relationship.

Let me know what you think.

12. What's Your Attachment Style?

In my life coaching class, the trainer pointed us to an online self-assessment site administered by UPenn's Dr. Martin Seligman, who heads their Positive Psychology Center.

There is one test that may be useful in your dating life because it gives an easy-to-understand result along with a short explanation of what it indicates.  Go to the Authentic Happiness site here, register, and then take the "Close Relationship" questionnaire -- be sure to read and follow the instructions.  The tests are free, and you can see the results right away.

If you find that your attachment style fits with how you envision a good long-term relationship for yourself, then you can be glad that your style is naturally on the right track.

If you find that your attachment style is problematic for or sabotages your vision for a good long-term relationship, don't lose heart.  Be glad to learn what you don't want in a relationship, and then you can begin to consider making some changes to counteract your natural tendency.

If you're already in a relationship, see if your partner would be willing to register and take the test with you.  If nothing else, it can spark discussions about what comes easily versus what is difficult in the relationship, and maybe lead to ideas for what you can both do differently to make things work well.

Let me know whether you find this useful!