18. Reciprocity of a (Seesaw) Relationship

In thinking about how friction is handled within a relationship, I came up with the seesaw (or teeter-totter) analogy, but one where the fulcrum supporting the seats can move up or down, and the seesaw platform can also move 360 degrees.

If you could imagine two people in a relationship, either at the beginning or when together for years, are sitting facing each other at the ends of the seesaw.  Imagine further that the height of the fulcrum dictates how high each bounce will go, and the turn of the seesaw dictates which view each rider gets.

At any given time, both people are making decisions, some consciously and some not, about how to conduct themselves, how to communicate with each other, how much they'll attend to what each other needs or wants, and whether what they're getting out of the ride justifies keeping it going.

Qualitatively, each person could rate the ride they get based on the following dimensions:

• How safe do I feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating?
• Am I enjoying the view?
• If I wanted to change the height of the fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would my partner help me?
• If I wanted to take a break and go to the bathroom or do something else, would my partner help me get off and wait for me to come back?

Conversely, each person could rate the ride they give:

• How safe do I make my partner feel?
• Is the ride fun and enervating for my partner?
• Is my partner enjoying the view?
• If my partner wants to change the height of fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would I help him/her?
• If my partner wanted to take a break, would I let him/her get off safely and wait until he/she is back?

You probably remember some of your actual seesaw experiences:  Being bounced on your seat too fast, getting bored because the ride was too slow as the other kid whined about how scary it is, arguing with the other kid because he wouldn't take his feet off the ground while laughing at you maniacally, walking off because you're not having fun anymore, trying to get off the seesaw when the other kid pushed down unexpectedly so that you fell off, or being surprised when the other kid took off and you're left sitting by yourself, wondering what happened.

You've probably also experienced laughing merrily while seesawing at the perfect rhythm and speed, and because you understood and trusted each other, you were both willing to try a variation or special trick one of you thought up.  And when one of you wanted to get off, it was certain that you would both get back on together again -- because it would surely be fun.

17. It's You I Want, Not Your Persona

When I arrived at college, I was tough.

Not nearly as tough as Lisbeth Salander, but tough nonetheless.  Being in a vulnerable position economically, class-wise, racially, and sexually as a young person either withers one or makes one develop a hard exterior.  It's easy to maintain that hard exterior because not caring what other people think becomes a habit, and striking out at those who hurt you in the past or who threaten you no longer seem to hold consequences.  I created a hard exterior that was difficult even for my family to deal with -- I was prepared to turn people off, and I've no doubt that I turned off a lot of people.

However, underneath the loud-mouthed, spiked-haired, angry person, I had plenty of love and caring to give.  Luckily for me, after a few misguided flings with people who were more interested in pleasing themselves than getting to know me, I encountered true love.

He says that he noticed me because of the way I looked, but grew to like me because of the way I was.  I didn't even really know who I was then, but merely defined myself by what I wasn't.  But the way he treated me made me feel like I could let down my guard.

That's the beginning of peeling off the exoskeleton, which, not surprisingly, took years to shed.  Now I hardly ever get angry, and I rarely go out of my way to get back at someone who has done me wrong.  Is that bad?  Have I lost my old passion?  Certainly I live in a very different environment than when I was young.  I don't really feel the loss because it took a lot of energy to brood and stay angry.  Energy that I prefer to devote to maintaining a deep connection with my daughter, with my husband, with my sisters and their kids, with my mother, with my friends.  I haven't forgotten my experiences, and I've still got the same mind, the same strengths, and the same will.

Maybe I miss looking really cool with my spiked hair, scowl, and being stand-offish.  At times, I'm still a little antisocial, and I know that I startle friends sometimes with the barbs that slip out of my mouth.  However, I've managed to peel away most of that persona that I had to make to protect myself from people and environments that were hazardous.

Now I behave and think the way I want to, rather than inflexibly, within the limits of my image of a strong, self-contained, don't f***-with-me girl.  If I had to live with her, I know that I would eventually get sick of her.

16. Choosing to Be Happy Together

There's nothing like having a near-death experience to quickly clear up whatever may be fogging up your lens.

Ric Elias spoke at the 2011 TED conference about how, when his passenger plane came down for a crash-landing on the Hudson River, he suddenly realized that he'd wasted too much time on things that didn't matter -- arguing with his wife and others he cares about because his ego got in the way.

However, most of us don't usually get the opportune jolting from our daily existence to reflect deeply on what is most important to us.  Maybe we see a particularly good film, read an insightful book, or do some imaginative self-inquiry to help us focus on how we would live our lives the way we would want to if we were to meet an untimely end.

And even if we got that lightning bolt to illuminate what we most want in our closest relationships, would we follow through with our resolution to do better?

It's easy to show appreciation for the person you choose to love at those pivotal and high-profile moments:  when one of you first say "I love you" and the other one responds in kind; on Valentine's Day, at your marriage ceremony; when your child is born/adopted; at your first anniversary or your tenth; when you invite all your friends to witness you renewing your vows; or when you send your first or last kid to college.

What about during the non-eventful parts of your daily life, when no one else is watching?  Do you give him a hug because he stops the argument and acknowledges that you may be right?  Do you kiss her when she points out that you're acting just like the father you said you would never want to be?  Do you tell him that he made you feel cared for and loved when he made dinner and spent the evening playing with little Jane while you worked until 11pm?  Do you thank her every day that she leaves the negative stuff at work rather than dumping on you?

If you have habitually taken your love for granted, given free rein to your desire to be right, or spilled your bottled-up frustrations at home without mopping it up, you don't have to buy a ticket to a near-death experience to slap you into shape.

Instead, remember just two things:

1. Neither you nor your partner voluntarily made a commitment to be together so that one of you could be a silent partner, second fiddle, nag, housekeeper, maid, au pair, bookkeeper, bully, or punching bag.
2. You both signed up to be happy together.

Being happy together means trusting that you have each other's back, so that one picks up the slack when the other runs out of strength, one gives the other credit for things done well and support given, and in cases where one is weak, the other is there to give fortification.  This is a reciprocal dance in which both partners are prepared to lead or follow as the situation demands, and the roles are never fixed.  A truly happy couple is also able to give each other the ultimate benefit:  they push each other to become more than if they were on their own -- more insightful, more creative, more empathetic, more flexible, more prepared to tackle the unforeseen, more honest to themselves, and more alive.

So which trajectory do you choose to be on?

15. The Oriental Wife, some thoughts

In honor of the blog reaching over 1,000 views, I'm expanding the scope of the blog beyond dating.  Hopefully you'll see even more content to interest you!

I just finished reading the novel, The Oriental Wife, by Evelyn Toynton, and found it remarkable.

A quick read, the narrative flows effortlessly as the reader follows the complex emotional strain that lovers, family, social groups, war, and genocide impose on individuals.  The story begins with sketches of post-WWI Germany through Louisa and Rolf's points of view as children, and as Louisa becomes a young adult exiled in foreign lands, Nazism unfolds.  In adulthood, their love story is shown through Rolf's view, whereas the disintegration of their relationship is observed by an older refugee couple, Louisa's childhood doctor and his wife.  Lastly we see the long-tailed impact of their broken and opaque history on Emma, their American-born daughter.

What strikes me about this story is that it is told strictly from the ground level -- there is no broad-brushing of history or high-minded symbolism and language.  All that is shown is how each individual responds to and thinks about what is happening, how they choose to interact with others, and the slow death wreaked by the human instinct to shield oneself from pain and suffering.

The book focuses not on morality but on experience, much like the way we relay stories about our childhood.  Louisa's time spent in London is occupied with being accepted and loved, rather than with the worrying fact that her father is sending a few valuables to her hidden in packages, signaling a curtailing of liberties.  What we tell others and understand about ourselves is based on how we have experienced our lives, which is entirely subjective and at times, bears no relation to events of significance to others.  We may attempt to contextualize written history, but history rarely trumps our varied, individual experiences.

Refugees cannot know what it must have been like for families and friends left behind who were brutalized or massacred.  They can only guess from afar, and those guesses are fraught with grief and guilt for not being there with them: "Even husbands and wives could not talk of those things, when they turned off the light, they lay silent, their backs to each other, and did not shut their eyes."  Rather than being free, refugees' lives are in a state of captive disruption, so that limited access to external resources (ability to make a living, physical comforts, and network of family and friends) is compounded by limited internal resources (emotional peace, certainty, sense of belonging, and ease of communication.)

At a micro-level, people suffering in unhappy relationships face the same types of challenges:  emotional isolation, self-doubt, uncertainty, pain, or feeling trapped.  Rolf willfully puts on blinders to hide from his fears and his sense of helplessness in the face of Louisa's affliction, blinders in the form of analytical work, refugee assistance, committee work.  It is easier for him to put effort into the mechanics of obtaining exit visas for other German Jews than to display emotional weakness, so that he distances himself physically and emotionally from his wife.  While this protects him at a day-to-day level, his choices oppress those closest to him and have devastating long-term consequences.

Toynton shows how "goodness" is a moving target, especially under extreme pressures and when the rules shift.  It would be reassuring to know that one could maintain one's capacity to love, and be wise enough to know what to do when tested by the unimaginable -- but there is no guarantee of success.

I highly recommend this thought-provoking and poignant book!

14. Signs Your Date Is a Narcissist

The majority of couples that split up do so because of problems communicating, or their values and lifestyle choices were irreconcilable, leading to a lack of intimacy and estrangement.  At the risk of sounding negative or paranoid, I would like to discuss the minority of couples with a serious problem -- where one of them turns out to have some form of narcissistic personality disorder.

I know some now-singles who ask:  "How could I have avoided shacking up with that pathological liar/user/egomaniac/manipulator/sociopath in the first place?"

While there are various theories as to the cause of this type of behavior and why he or she feels the need to entrap someone in a relationship, I claim no expertise nor do I have space in this blog to discuss them.

However, I can offer you the following:

1. Links to some interesting and relevant fictional works in the English language that you may enjoy:
• The Woman in White, Wilkie Collins, 1860
• Wide Sargasso Sea, Jean Rhys, 1966
  
• "Morpho Eugenia," novella by Antonia S. Byatt, 1992
• Mad Men, TV series, 2007-present
2. Some common behaviors exhibited by antagonists in fiction and also in real life that, when taken in some combination, may signal the wisdom of taking to your heels:
• Starting from day one, your date oozes charm and puts a huge effort into sweeping you off your feet; including showering or overwhelming you with gifts, making significant gestures, and paying you obsessive in-person and electronic attention.
• Your date wants you to go on a "romantic getaway" or exotic trip together soon after you meet, before you feel like you know her.
• Your date wants to know everything about you, but is evasive or secretive, gives platitudes, or gives conflicting information when you ask probing questions or want to meet people in his life.
• Your date has no close friends that she wants you to get to know in person, even after a couple of months.
• Your date pressures you to commit to him soon after you meet; including saying things like I love you, I'm falling for you, let's elope, I can see us starting a family together, and/or I can see us growing old together.
• When you are hurt that he is shutting you out emotionally, he responds angrily, coldly, or apologizes that there are things he is not ready to talk about yet.
• If you met online, she says a lot of great stuff and you seem to be on "the same wavelength," but she always manages to avoid meeting in person.
3. Additional behavioral alerts to watch out for once you've made a commitment to your date: he/she soon begins to make moves to isolate you from your family and circle of friends, and to doubt yourself:
• She is charming in front of people you care about, but shows contempt for or speaks contemptuously about them when you are alone.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, he finds a variety of excuses to not go, makes only brief appearances, or is a no-show.
• When you make plans to be with people you care about, she makes you feel guilty about preferring them to her, and is happy when you choose to not see them.
• He plants seeds of doubt in your mind as to whether people you care about truly care about you.
• She plants seeds of doubt about yourself by nitpicking or criticizing the way you are, look, and behave.

Some of the behaviors under #2 may seem like those of a love-struck person at the onset, especially if you are the recipient of the attention.  It is further helped along by the impulse to rationalize as discussed by Debra Weiner.  A narcissist's modus operandi is much like a high-pressure salesperson's pitch:  it relies on setting you up to perceive that what is offered is an unbelievably good deal, and that the limited-time offer will evaporate if you don't immediately buy.  It's the old bait and switch, with heartbreaking long-term consequences for the prey.

I can assure you that when someone truly cares about you, he or she is more likely to share openly, be patient, empathize, sees the best in you, and make effort to know those close to you.  You should always be suspicious of anyone who resorts to manipulative tactics such as pressuring, overwhelming, guilting, belittling, or other ways to make you doubt yourself.

13. Let's Tease Apart "Confidence"

When asked to describe what qualities would attract them to someone, most people list "being confident" as a must-have.

While this quality is popular, it means different things to different people, so I looked up the definition.  They include:

• Dictionary.com:  Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured.  Feeling or showing certainty about something.
• Merriam-Webster.com:  Full of conviction, certainty. Having or showing assurance and self-reliance.
• TheFreeDictionary.com:  Very bold; presumptuous.

With these different meanings, confidence has a high potential to confuse and mislead those looking for it in a partner and those who seek to possess it.  I pose the following questions to you:

1. Is feeling confident as valuable in the person as showing confidence?
2. Does it matter what produces/is the source of this conviction/certainty/self-assurance?
3. Does being confident necessarily benefit a love relationship?

You already know the misadventures of certain confident politicians/business people and bankers/entertainers and sports figures.  Here are a some smaller scale examples of "confident" people I know:

Example #1:  He always wears the right clothes, has well-groomed hair and nails, and has an impressive CV.  His face is handsome and he has a ready smile.  Anyone meeting him sees him as confident.  However, upon longer acquaintance, I found that he is full of niggling self-doubts which express themselves in a need to constantly compare what he has with those around him, and then views himself as a victim when things seem to stack up against him.  There are multitudes of males and females like him, competently hiding behind a veneer of socially- and professionally-defined confidence.  Eww!

Example #2:  She is confident not because of her outward appearance, but because she has moral conviction, and she's going to make sure you know about it.  Her certainty is such that she doesn't hesitate to tell you why you're wrong and that her way is the only way.  Her self-assurance propels her to push her agenda with single-mindedness, never stopping to hear what others have to say, or to gauge the temperature and mood of the audience.  Whether male or female, the source of this type of confidence comes from a Higher Authority and is unshakable:  Ugh!

Example #3:  He is confident that he will capture a winning idea/project that will bring him riches and fame.  He seems the picture of energy, idealism, and persistence -- what an inspiration to others!  Over time, you realize that most of what he does is sell his vision -- there is no actual grunt work done to move from concept to reality, and there is no plan to do so.  He is attracted to those who honestly support him, and con-artists who use his self-confidence to turn a profit for themselves.  He is impervious to sensible critique, rejecting those offering it as "not believing in him" or "jealous, because they don't have his clarity of vision."  In my experience this type of self-deluding confidence runs more in males than in females.  Run away!

Example #4:  She had a childhood cluttered with hard knocks, saw the ugly side of people, and learned lessons the hard way.  She projects confidence and pride in who she is, built over time of turning rot into roses, doing work most people wouldn't, and learning who is trustworthy and who to keep out of her life.  She's tough and reserved on the outside, but is loyal and giving in the relationships she value.  However, she's a real pain in the ass when she disagrees with someone because she has real conviction that she is right and she won't let it go easily.  It takes skillful coaxing and time to get her to accept a different point of view, and I know many others like her, male and female.  Even though you'd have to put it work and exercise a good deal of patience, she's a keeper.

Based on my own observations, I posit that without self-awareness, empathy, and openness to productive and positive influence by others, a confident person is of no value to a long-term love relationship.

Let me know what you think.

12. What's Your Attachment Style?

In my life coaching class, the trainer pointed us to an online self-assessment site administered by UPenn's Dr. Martin Seligman, who heads their Positive Psychology Center.

There is one test that may be useful in your dating life because it gives an easy-to-understand result along with a short explanation of what it indicates.  Go to the Authentic Happiness site here, register, and then take the "Close Relationship" questionnaire -- be sure to read and follow the instructions.  The tests are free, and you can see the results right away.

If you find that your attachment style fits with how you envision a good long-term relationship for yourself, then you can be glad that your style is naturally on the right track.

If you find that your attachment style is problematic for or sabotages your vision for a good long-term relationship, don't lose heart.  Be glad to learn what you don't want in a relationship, and then you can begin to consider making some changes to counteract your natural tendency.

If you're already in a relationship, see if your partner would be willing to register and take the test with you.  If nothing else, it can spark discussions about what comes easily versus what is difficult in the relationship, and maybe lead to ideas for what you can both do differently to make things work well.

Let me know whether you find this useful!

11. From dating to the magical 5:1 ratio

I received thumbs up on Post #10 from readers (male and female alike) who are currently in happy relationships -- thanks for letting me know!  It seems that they view creating and maintaining their relationships an active, improvisational art, and they reap the rewards in overwhelmingly positive perceptions about and feelings for their partners, and a secure sense of self from feeling truly loved.

In the last post, I pointed out that researcher John Gottman, et al., found that couples expressing nonverbal cues and narratives about each other of at least 5 positives for each negative ended up staying happily together; and self-described happiest couples had a ratio of up to 20:1.

So scientific observations aside, how do two people who are just getting to know each other arrive at this magical 5:1 ratio?

One way is to follow some olden rules:  be kind to and appreciative of each other, avoid being critical, and be quick to forgive.  However, I find this set of advice simplistic and faulty because it allows a couple to ignore certain fundamental issues.

For an example, if my partner is immature, selfish, and ignores my needs regularly, my being consistently kind, non-critical, forgiving, and appreciative of her good qualities will make her very happy.  However, she may never learn why ignoring my needs will lead me to become unfulfilled or resentful.  She may even believe that everything is fine and that I'm perfectly content because I express only positivity to her.

For another example, if my partner and I both hold these rules of behavior as sacred, there is nothing to prevent us from falling into the trap of conflict- and risk-avoidance.  Over time, settling for what wouldn't rock the boat of our relationship can make individual happiness seem beside the point.  We may automatically suppress any difference of opinion, dissatisfaction with the relationship, or need for personal growth beyond what the relationship currently provide.

Without incorporating in-depth knowledge of each other's thinking, wishes and dreams, behaviors, and values, there is no way to truly appreciate each other.  Without that knowledge, you can't challenge each other to stretch and grow to become more than you currently are, or to live out that vision of your ideal future.  And without that striving and growth, how dreary and dull the rest of life will be!

While every relationship has its proverbial honeymoon period, it should not hold you back from figuring out who each other is as early as possible.  As an alternative to the old set of rules, I suggest the following communication habits to explore, stimulate, and stretch each other:

1. Learn what your date is looking for in life by regularly asking how he/she envisions the ideal future, and share your own vision.  This will give you an idea of whether you are enthusiastic for a future together, or whether a few dates will suffice.
2. Tell your date what you enjoy and value about him/her, his/her behavior, and why.  This will get you used to thinking about and appreciating what matters to you, while letting your date know you feel and what matters to you.
3. If your date behaves in a way that you feel devalues you or is incompatible with building your relationship,  point this out in a timely manner, ask for the reason, and tell why it struck you as negative.  This will get you used to tackling difficult issues, while allowing your date to reveal his/her level of self-awareness, how he/she handles conflict, and how he/she responds to challenges.  If you learn through this conversation and subsequent behavior that your date is flawed but willing to be more considerate, then you have found an excellent reason to value and praise your date.  On the other hand, if he/she ignores, dismisses, or responds aggressively to your concerns, then you have found evidence that he/she's not the right partner for you.
4. If your date brings up an issue about your behavior, be prepared to listen openly, ask why it's perceived negatively (especially if you don't know!) and seriously consider whether a change to your behavior would serve you in the long run.  This will get you used to being open to the good influences of another person.
5. Lastly, encourage your date to do the same with you so that the benefits won't be one-sided.

Over time, you will change physically and emotionally, your vision of the ideal future may change, and what you appreciate about a partner may also change.  If you and your partner practice the art of improvisational, authentic communication regularly, getting to that 5:1 ratio will become second-nature!

10. Which chemistry is the right chemistry?

Having read a number of books written by single authors sharing their experiences playing the dating field (and who continue on in their single state at the end of the books, incidentally), I find that they all have difficulty determining the type of chemistry to prioritize.

They generally give the top spot to "physical chemistry"--that excitement generated by someone's physical appearance, the feel of their touch and kiss, the quality of their voice, and/or their ability to have the great sex with you--and then are baffled when things don't work out.

Understand that I'm an enthusiastic supporter (and beneficiary) of physical chemistry.  However, while physical chemistry will make a good relationship even better, it does not create a good relationship.  In fact, a not-so-good relationship will eventually sour the best of physical chemistry.

On the other hand, as I'd discussed earlier in post #5, positive "relational chemistry" will enhance physical chemistry.  Build a solid foundation for the house first, build the house, and THEN decorate it.

To give you a simplistic summary of what constitutes relational chemistry in a new couple, I take liberty in paraphrasing John Gottman's, et al., longitudinal research on factors that predict with 87% accuracy newlyweds' trajectory toward a happy marriage, a stable but unhappy marriage, or divorce:

• Positive perceptions of each other's behaviors and qualities and the relationship, as demonstrated by how the couple talks about and interacts with each other (including display of fondness, affection, complimenting, teasing, humor, smiling, touching, turning, using "we," etc.)  For couples that are predicted to have a happy marriage, the ratio of positive versus negative interplay is 5 to 1, respectively.  For comparison, the couples most happy with their marriage have a ratio of up to 20 to 1, whereas the couples that later divorce have a ratio of 0.8 to 1. 
• In the face of negativity or in conflict situations that inevitably come up, for those predicted to have a happy marriage, one partner exercises de-escalating and "repairing" abilities that are effective in "soothing" the partner experiencing heightened (physiological) stress.  Examples of de-escalation and repairing include putting a brake on the escalating conflict, acknowledging the situation, taking responsibility, saying sorry, giving the other authentic attention, using humor, or showing other signs of care; note that as a couple gains more experience with each other, these tactics will be effective only if the relationship has a history of being perceived positively by both partners.

You can read some of the research papers (including the minor differences for same-sex couples) here, and see the 4-part video of a Gottman lecture here.

Most happy couples did not read this research or use this research as a roadmap for building their relationship--they mostly improvised.  Nonetheless, I'm sure that like me, they would wholeheartedly agree that the research tracks consistently with relationships we've observed around us:  the good and great ones, the ailing ones, and the ones that broke up.

So my advice is this:  as you're dating, rather than spend too much time getting "sexy" to keep a date interested, pay close attention to the following:

1. Perceptions expressed by you and your date, verbally and non-verbally, while
• Describing each other to someone else; or
• Describing you and your date's shared experiences to someone else.
2. How you and your date interact during a sensitive or tense discussion, or while handling a difficult/problematic situation.

Where you may find it difficult to be attentive and objective in the moment, you can ask trusted friends/family members to tell you what they observe in your interactions.

Thanks to Alma Lafler for making me aware of John Gottman and his colleagues' research--this is fascinating work.

9. Consider the quiet ones for a change

We visited friends this past week in the North Country--we'll call the place Crystal Lake--where the cell signal is so weak you might as well shut the phone off.

While enjoying the meditative state that inevitably sets in, I was drawn to the many parallels between this jewel of a place and the most overlooked type of people on the dating scene--the quiet ones.

First, here's a picture of Crystal Lake for you:  nestled in rolling hills, bounded by a pine forest, a bungalow with porch facing the clear water, with no visible neighbors except a duo of nesting loons.  It's a place with deep history, natural beauty, impossibly lazy days, and starlit night sky.  Its stewards over time have carefully guarded it to preserve the best of itself.

Now, here are the parallels with people who are quiet--those thought of as "shy" by some:

There is no advertisement.  If you didn't know to look for it, you wouldn't be able to find it.  Likewise, quiet people aren't going to speak up around those they don't know well, and are not inclined to compete for the spotlight.  Next to Sociable, Dramatic, Comedic, Tragic, Loud, or Self Important, you will not easily notice Quiet in the crowd unless your senses are attuned.

You have to go the extra mile.  Just as Crystal Lake is not easily accessible without an investment of time and effort to get there, a quiet person requires time and effort to get to know.

There is a high barrier of entry.  You will not be invited there simply by being charming or by paying dollars.  Rather, you have to earn the steward's trust.  Most quiet people I know are not likely to let just anyone into his/her trust, even if it's a friend's friend.

Competition won't be as tough.  Crystal Lake won't ever be overrun with visitors because it doesn't offer any manufactured excitement.  Same with quiet people--they tend to be overlooked by others since they don't call attention to themselves.  You won't have to jostle with a flock of preeners or squawkers to be noticed, therefore you can dispense with rehearsed pick up routines or a slick act.

Quietness should not be equated with a lack of preference or edginess.  It's easy to be lulled into believing that such an accommodating place has no expectations or challenges--that it's there to serve you.  In fact, the place rejects ATVs, speedboats, noisy gadgets, badly-behaved people and pets, and pointless chatter.  It wants melodic harmonies, unending, silly board games, delicious meals thrown together with everyone pitching in, and deep, authentic sharing.  It'll surprise one with prehistoric-looking insects, angry lightning storms, perfect luna moths, and animal jaw bones half buried in the woods.  As long as one is open-minded, these surprises add interest to its attractions.  Quiet people will reveal what make them tick and in what ways they are attractive and interesting, if you make the effort to find out.

You have to behave like a caretaker to be invited back.  Don't expect a guaranteed return ticket just because you were invited there once.  You have to continue to demonstrate your respect for the place and its character, be willing to protect and preserve its privacy, and either restore it to the state you found it or make it better in the right spirit.  With quiet people, you also have to continue to show that you care and value the person and the relationship.  If you are persistent in your care and attention, you will be rewarded with loyalty and tenacious love not easily diluted over time.

Just think what beauty, depth, and fulfilling relationship you may find if you take a chance on a quiet one.

Do you agree or disagree?  Post your comments or email me your thoughts!

8. How to get to know a stranger quickly

A couple of days ago, I had a really interesting discussion with Alma about the challenges of getting to know people in the academic classroom setting, when it's the only place where you have contact.

I think a couple of the points from our discussion are applicable to the dating scene, especially to Bunni's comment under the fourth post that it's very difficult to get to know someone's deeper qualities based on what they tell you on first or second dates.

Point #1:  It's much easier to figure out people's strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, and credibility when you are able to observe them in any activity that requires demonstration of dependability, skills, knowledge, ability and interaction with others while under the pressure to perform.

For example, Alma got to know her sailing teammates (and to a lesser extent people on other teams) in a compressed period of time through direct observation and indirect corroboration by:

• Seeing who shows up on time prepared to work out, practice and race.
• Sailing with different people on a 2-person boat at practices and regattas.
• Hearing others comment on their current and past experiences sailing with each other.
• Hearing coaches comment on how individuals and pairs performed in a variety of situations, and give critique on how they can improve.
• Observing people's behavior and communication during regattas, and when not racing.
• Seeing how people respond to wins and losses, and when receiving comments and critiques.
• On long trips to regattas, swapping stories about family and friends, and discussing/debating ideas or topics that come up.
• At social events, seeing what people's friends are like, how they interact with others.

Taken together, these are optimal opportunities within a two to three month period to observe and learn about someone's patterns of behavior in terms of self-motivation and motivation of others, resiliency, communication style, relationships, sense of humor, concern for others, appreciation of others' contributions to the team, openness to input and making improvements, problem-solving ability and style, performance under stress, and passion, commitment, and follow-through.

In summary, you can figure out whether a person is one you can rely on and learn from; with whom you can grow, have fun and spend most of your time; who will appreciate you for who you are and what you offer; and will build relationships with those you care about.

Point #2:  Assuming that you have no contact with a person outside limited settings such as the classroom (or on dates at coffee shops and restaurants), you have only their words, voice, body language, attendance and timeliness of arrival (or phone call/text messages) to observe.  You may be able to piece together bits and pieces of the authentic person, but you are seeing discrete slices of the person in a short period of time, and without any benefit of third-party confirmation.  This dilemma makes it easy for one to assume the wrong things about someone -- both good and bad.

Short of inviting yourself over for three days or joining a sports team together when dating someone, what can you do to size up and figure out a stranger quickly?

While this may take some wily planning on your part, before deciding whether to be exclusive with someone,

1. learn from him/her the activity(ies) or field(s) which is a source of enjoyment and pride, and in which he/she is an active participant.
2. Engage the help of someone from within your own circle who has expertise in (or deep knowledge of) that activity or field.
3. Create an opportunity with sufficient time allowance for the expert to thoroughly assess your date, both when you're present and when you're not, to see how his/her behavior changes.

My husband's favorite example, being a basketball player, is Michelle asking her basketball coach brother, Craig Robinson, to give Barack Obama the once over after they began dating.  Read a version of it on Esquire.  Even if you're not looking for presidential material, having someone whose judgment you trust observe your date's performance and reflect on the implications for his/her character is an invaluable way to get that reality check.

Don't despair if your immediate circle is rather homogeneous -- reach outside the circle.  In my immediate circle, I can count on people who have deep knowledge of finances, basketball, medicine, music recording and performance, veterinary medicine, small car racing, cooking, art-making, and linguistics.  If I reach outside of my immediate circle, I can also tap into the world of fundraising, poetry, triathlons, marketing, modern dancing, physics, investment banking, architecture, translation, fashion design, military history, to name a few.

Here's the point:  You don't have to figure someone out on your own based on limited information -- get a fuller picture of someone's true character by observing him/her in active pursuit of an interest or passion before you commit.  Sound reasonable?

7. The difficulty of getting beyond the superficial stuff

I remember receiving the printed “face book” the first day I arrived at college. This was before the Internet was popularized, when the equivalent of online dating was through personal ads in newspapers.

I'm sure that most of us in the class made conjectures about our classmates’ likability, coolness, and date-ability based only on the listings of name, hometown, secondary school, and 1”x1.25” b/w photo. And if someone’s photo was not printed, there was even more speculation about what that meant.

Asked directly, we would probably all have agreed that the college admissions office had vetted each person for possessing a certain level of intelligence, strength of character, and drive for learning and achievement, and that our two dimensional face book entries couldn't possibly have summed us sufficiently. However, this knowledge did not prevent most of us from making up stories and unfounded judgments about others.

In our defense, the human brain strives to create an understandable pattern using limited information interpreted through our varied upbringing and experiences. While this is not in itself a bad thing, research shows that unless we are making choices for others or are offered choices specifically in a longer-term context, our brain defaults to short-term thinking with a preference for instant gratification. You can read more about this research here.

It should come as no surprise that when asked what is desired in a mate, many single people list off attributes that fall under the instantly gratifying category: good looks, admirable physical build, profession, income level, interests and activities, etc. These surface qualities are easy to identify, but as discussed in the fourth post, can have little or no correlation to the intrinsic stuff like motivations and drivers, values, and integrity of action – the stuff that is significant for fit as a mate.

While these intrinsic qualities are revealed to others over time through shared experiences, they may be hidden to one self. I’m sure that you can think of at least one person you know well whose self-image is vastly different from the actual person.

Faced with these natural impediments to good judgment, what does one do when trawling through online profiles or meeting someone new?

Here are my suggestions, at a bird’s eye level:

1. Get to know your authentic self: Do self-assessment to get to know your own intrinsic qualities.
2. Train yourself to approach new profiles and people as if you are seeking a mate for a good friend, with a focus on detecting and learning the person’s intrinsic qualities.
3. If you feel uncertain or weak in assessing profiles or people's character, consider asking someone you know to be your dating advisor; this should be someone who:
• You trust, and
• Is objective and a good judge of people’s character; and
• if possible, have experience with happy relationships.

What do you think?

6. Happy Couple = Highest Performing Team?

This is one of my favorite subjects, hands down.

I love happy couples -- they radiate good stuff to others:  good smiles, good feelings, homes that are comfortable to others, good arguments, good stories.   Some even have well-trained pets and/or raise good kids.  You want to spend time with them because it's obvious that they enjoy each other's company, and they generously include others in their happiness.

A happy couple doesn't need an audience to show that they value and care about each other because it's their daily reality.  They don't shy away from their problems or bear pain silently because they understand that friction, difficulties, and differences of opinion won't break their relationship apart, but can make it stronger.  They don't fear exposure of their weaknesses because doing so allows them to work on bringing out the best in each other.

What makes them this way?

From my own anecdotal observations, it's because all the happy couples have these requirements:

1. Both people value the same lifestyle and share a vision for the future
2. They have very different personalities and drives, and value these differences in each other
3. They continually give to each other emotionally and physically
4. They work on and resolve individual and common problems together 

You will notice that I left off things like common interests or activities.  While they're nice to have, they actually matter much less than people think.

In the working world, the high performing team is a close parallel because it requires members that have different but complementary skills, knowledge, and abilities, and have different ways of thinking.  They must be able to communicate regularly and authentically with each other to identify and analyze problems and situations, and generate and debate new ideas and approaches to solve existing and new problems.  They must be able to figure out and appreciate what motivates others, give recognition for what each person brings to the table, learn from/mentor/teach others, and trust that each person is committed to thinking and working to strengthen each other and the team.  Individuals in the team may take on a variety of roles depending on what is needed, ranging from doing routine tasks to organizing, or researching to leading the team.  Lastly, in order for there to be a sense of shared investment in and reward from being part of the team, each person must wholeheartedly support where the team is headed and what they're trying to achieve.

Where the team parallel ends is at the emotional and sexual:  Happy couples can and do get very angry with each other, occasionally saying or doing hurtful things.  They are comfortable revealing deeply personal thoughts to each other.  Also, it's a good thing for couples to spend aimless, leisure time together, and feel romantic love and lust for each other -- kissing, hugging and having sex -- as much and whenever possible, in fact.

Why does any of this matter to you -- a single person seeking a mate?  My idea is that these basic happy couples requirements can be used to guide your search.  Below are some question that you should ask yourself, no dodging or platitudes.  After you find your own answers, pose them when you meet with your dates.  If nothing else, these questions could make for interesting date discussions.

• Lifestyle and Vision for the Future (should be the same or very similar to yours):

1. What type of lifestyle do you want?  How is it different from your life now?
2. How would you like to be able to describe the life you led when you're 80 or 90 years old?  Why?
3. Are you happy at work?  Why/Why not?

• Personalities and Drives (should be different from and complementary to yours)

1. What are you good at?  What do you need help with?
2. What do you enjoy spending time doing?  Why?
3. What do you hate doing?  Why?
4. What do your friends complement you for?  What are their complaints about you?

• Giving to others emotionally (see whether your date has meaningful relationships with others, and show appreciation for different personalities)

1. Who do you spend most of your free time with?  Why?
2. Who are the people you implicitly trust?  Why?
3. What's your family like?  Who are you close to and why?

• Self-awareness, approach to solving problems:

1. Why do you think you're driven to do the things that you like to do?
2. What are you dissatisfied with in your life?  Why?  What are you doing to change that?
3. What wouldn't you ever change in your life?  Why not?
4. Why are you dating now?  What are you hoping you'll find in a date?

If you try these questions, let me know what kind of results you get!

5. What was it that made me fall in love?

This is a question that I can only answer on my own behalf.  Depending on who you ask, there will be a hundred different answers.  However, the answers won't usually be just one thing, but a bundle of behaviors that tipped the balance.

Here was my basic bundle:

• He was willing to talk with me about anything, nothing was off-limits.
• He consistently listened to me and added his own insight.
• He was curious about me and regularly asked me questions about my family, my childhood, and my thoughts.
• When I asked him about himself, he answered my questions, never evading them.
• He helped me out whenever I asked, and spent time with me when I needed company.

These tipped the scale from friendship to love:

• He kissed me like he cared how it felt to me.
• He didn't rush me like he had a goal to achieve.

Altogether, these behaviors showed how he valued me as a person and wanted to share himself with me, openly and honestly.  Through these transparent behaviors, I learned that I can trust him.

The magical thing about falling in love with someone is that you suddenly become aware of his/her incredibly compelling, unique, and beautiful features -- like the quality of her voice, the curve of his eyebrows, the way her teeth are crooked (or are perfectly straight), his gait when walking, or the way her she holds a pen -- and you wonder why you'd never noticed them before.  The object of your love becomes the most attractive and sexy person alive because you are emotionally attuned like you are not to anyone else.

In my case, even though I was (and still am) highly independent and self-directed, I became intensely needy for his attention.  I couldn't stop thinking about him, and probably had a big, dopey grin on my face whenever I thought about him or was with him.  The times when I felt that he was distant or unaware of me were keenly painful to me.

Many of these intense needs and feelings seemed unsustainable and destined for a downward spiral of disappointment.  Luckily for me, he didn't shrink from the intensity of my feelings because he felt the same himself.  He met most of my needs by sending me regular letters and visiting me, even though we had to live apart for nearly three years.  For my part, as much as it thrilled me to receive his letters, I produced only infrequent love postcards, which were sufficient for him.

Over time and with his reassurance, I had to acknowledge that some aspects of my expectations were fueled by my insecurities and could not be met by another human being without driving that person crazy.  At the same time, I became quite adept at noticing when he needed to be encouraged (or pushed) out of a mental and emotional rut, and always tried to help him get out of ruts.

So with no guarantee of success and without a roadmap, we fell in love (the easy part) and managed to maintain that love by:

1. Consistently feeding the feelings of love with regular attention and time for each other.
2. Being sensitive and responsive to each other's needs and fears.
3. Continuing to learn about each other and using that knowledge to help each other develop.  This included compromising, which I define as cutting out unreasonable and useless wants/wishes, while promoting each other's health and meeting each other's needs.

If you are/were in a happy relationship, what was it that made you fall in love?  What kept you in love?

4. You have a checklist -- now create your soul mate!

Thanks for all the great feedback!  It's fun and helpful to hear what many of you have to say, and to know that I'm not talking just to myself.

If you remember, back on my second post, I mentioned that almost all online dating sites require that you self-identify physical traits.  Most also require that you list your interests and activities in order to set up a basic profile, and that you do the same for your ideal match.

I have serious reservations about this approach.  It ignores the fact that as human beings, we cannot disaggregate undesirable traits from desirable ones at will.  We come as complete packages stuffed with our DNA, past experiences, present conditions, biases and defects, all overlapping and wrapped up tightly.  It is possible for one to change certain aspects of oneself with consistent effort and reinforcement over time.  However, it's a no-win game to start with the assumption that an electronic checklist will yield a ready-made soul mate, ready to spark instant chemistry with you and integrate into your life.

Without 20-20 hindsight, I know I would not have identified most of my ideal mate's external traits.  Without having met him, I would have gotten the following outright wrong if I had to list what I thought I desired:

• His height
• His hair or eye color
• His race and background
• His profession or income level
• His specific interests and activities

The only traits and qualities I would have gotten correctly would have been:

• His gender
• His highest education level
• His intelligence and internal drive to continue learning
• His open-mindedness to different people and ways of thinking

Conversely, if he had listed traits he was attracted to prior to me, they would also have been vastly different from mine physically and personality-wise.  It is not a stretch for me to conclude that most (if not all) online dating sites would have failed us, or made it very difficult for us to be matched up:  we would have been railroaded to focus on external characteristics that have nothing to do with our long-term compatibility.

My husband and I first met and became closer friends over the course of a year, in fits and starts through many fun, meaningful, and silly conversations and experiences, sometimes with mutual friends and sometimes without, before we realized that we had something deeper than a friendship.  If we had put ourselves under the pressure of having to decide during our first meetings whether we could be "right" for each other, our time together would have been fraught with unnecessary tension and decisions.  We might have come out of them agreeing that we enjoyed talking to each other, but there was no assurance that we would have detected the elusive "chemistry" since we didn't fit into each others' idea of what was attractive or "hot."

What a shame to pass on each other because we couldn't yet imagine spending the next 10 to 50 years together after having coffee, a dinner, and drinks together.

Luckily, we approached each other with no long-term motive other than wanting to get to know each other better, and possibly becoming good friends.  And over a year later, when one of us made the first move and the other accepted, we did not limit ourselves to any fixed idea of what should happen in which order, or how we should each behave in customary roles.  That said, I know many happy couples who moved much more quickly than we did, or where one caught the other's eye as a potential mate before they even met.  Even so, they have something in common with our scenario besides being in love with each other:  they now describe each other as their best friend above all others, not as the fulfillment of their preconceived ideal in looks, height, earnings, or interests and activities.

So my questions to you are:

1. Did your narrow your field of vision for a mate for arbitrary reasons?
2. Do you make snap judgments about profiles and dates based on insignificant reasons? 
3. How would you change your own profile and your view of others' profiles to seek a new best friend?

As always, tell your single friends/colleagues/family if you enjoy this blog.  Post your comment below so others can see what you have to say, or if you're too shy to broadcast your thoughts, please send me a message.

3. Don't go to the store on an empty stomach

Just as one can be too easily tempted by junk food when hungry, it's best to seek a (soul) mate when you feel confident, are happy with yourself, and aren't under external or time pressures.

There's a good reason I say this, despite the wrinkled brows and sputtering I detect -- I've heard from dating singles that there are a lot of "damaged" people out there.  Andy commented that, "the first two dates are usually nice and fun--they're on their best behavior.  But the third date is when you find out what's really wrong with them, and sometimes it's scary."

At a time when you're lacking confidence, are unhappy, or are under pressure, you lose sight of who you are and what type of person is right for you.  You run the gamut of being easily influenced, feeling frustrated and angry, giving up easily, and/or feeling desperate to find somebody, anybody!

Without meaning to, you broadcast the wrong message about yourself, attracting the wrong people and scaring off others.  The least harm you could do yourself by actively looking and dating at a vulnerable time is to lose precious time, money, and emotional energy, and possibly turn a few people off.  At worst, you could go along with or choose someone (or people) who is harmful to you, potentially suffering long-term consequences.

Watch out for these red-flag motivations in yourself and others you meet:

• Having a relationship end or break down, and feeling lost/panic/fear of being alone/fear of being without financial resources
• Subtle external pressure, real or perceived, of feeling left behind as friends couple up/get married/buy homes/have children
• Overt external pressure from family (or friends) that "it's time" to settle down
• Internal expectations such as a timetable for when certain life events should be attained/accomplished
• Feeling unhappy with self or circumstances in life, and believing that having a (new) mate or child will miraculously provide happiness
• Believing that snaring someone with extraordinary assets (such as looks, wealth, fame, power, status, and/or talent) will miraculously provide happiness

I know that some of these reasons are precisely what motives some to couple up, and there are instances of these unions ending up being content or happy.  However, I know of more couples (both short- and long-term) that united for these reasons where one or both consistently show their dissatisfaction with the other, are intensely unhappy, or are happier now that they are no longer together.

As a contrast, all of the happy couples I know, my husband and I included, met each other during a time of strength, when each person was:

1. Engaged in experiencing the here and now
2. Optimistic about and eager to face the future, even if tinged with uncertainty or nervousness
3. Felt confident that he/she had the energy and openness to share experiences with and give trust to another person

Knowing this, I champion taking the harder road of dealing with one's own red-flag motivations, be it with self-analysis, talk therapy, consulting medical/psychological/psychiatric professional, time to heal, or a combination of the above, before hitting the online and in-person dating scene.

Feed yourself a healthy meal before going to the store.

What do you think?

2. The problem with honor system and dating sites...

Before I get started, let me answer those of you who wanted to refer single men or women to me.  Thank you, first of all, for reading my post!  Tell your friend/colleague/family member to either email me or leave a comment below the postings.  Or, if they don't feel like contacting me yet, they can Follow my blog until ready.  I'm thinking of organizing a singles event at some point, and will keep track of those who'd like to be contacted.

Today, let's begin with one critique I have of current dating sites:  They all rely on the user to self-declare his/her own traits.

Now, I like to think that the honor system works because it warms my heart to believe that fundamentally, human beings are rational and self-policing.  While the honor system generally works when it comes to paying 75 cents for a package of M&Ms, reality shows a different human face in the dating world. (For example, see OKTrends' stats from OKCupid: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lies-in-online-dating/)

This is consistent with the fact that people do not naturally vote to benefit themselves in the long-term (which requires some work in the areas of self-awareness and critical thinking), but rather with their emotional beliefs (For more in-depth reading, do an online search for "econfaculty.gmu.edu/bcaplan/selfir.doc"), and with a preference for affiliation with the perceived "winner."  Knowing this, it shouldn't come as a surprise when Tall&Handsome shows up at the first date two to four inches shorter than portrayed and with a decidedly plain face, or when BronzeGoddess24 actually has a shapeless body, tubular legs, and speaks in a high-pitched squeak.

With the exception of the bona fide predators, the main problem with online dating sites is that they create an easily-accessible, competitive marketplace that brings out the fears and testosterone in a subscriber, with these heightened emotions roiling while staring at the computer screen or smart phone device in isolation.

In this situation, it's easy to get carried away and inflate one's assets with a few quick taps on the keyboard, thinking that as long as one is recognized or chosen with a "wink" or "flirt," the white lies are justified.  And as my friend Susan added, the same way that applicants who pad or fabricate part of their resumes think that foot-in-the-door for an interview justifies the lies.  After getting through a few dates, those who do not resort to white lies (or even those that do, but aren't honest with themselves about it) begin to fear that majority of the people online are lying, and may feel:

• Vulnerable and confused
• Cheated and angry
• Creeped out and turned off
• In some cases, that it's okay to inflate one's assets

I can hear you asking me now:  "So what do you expect me to do with this problem?"

Well, just as there is an efficient way to screen out candidates in the process of filling a position, I propose a similar method to help you quickly sift through the avalanche of winks, flirts, love notes, and cut-out hearts piling up in your Inbox:

1. Before you even look at your Inbox, review your own profile, and
• Ensure that you're emphasizing your assets, but not inflating or fabricating them.
• Say something like "Please do not contact me if you are not completely honest in your profile," and actively report liars to the administrator.
2. Set aside a limited amount of time either daily or weekly to look at profiles, being disciplined about cutting yourself off once time is up (use an alarm if necessary!)
3. Once you have a batch of, let's say, ten people you're interested in, contact them at the same time, giving each person a maximum of 20 minutes.
• "Interview" those who reply to you using a list of prescreening questions, asked in the same order, weaving them in like a conversation.  You can start with a set of questions to compare what they say versus what's stated on the profile, if they're truly important to you (e.g., When I meet you, what will your height really be?)  Decide ahead of time whether any white lying is acceptable, and if so, what the range of the acceptable fib is (this is different from a job resume, where no fibbing is acceptable.)  Take note of the answers, and assuming they are acceptable, move on to other important questions not covered on the profile.
• Do not commit to making a date at the end of the call, but say you have to go, and thank the person for speaking with you.
• Cross off those who do not reply, and those who do not meet the basic phone screen.
4. Once you've spoken to all those who replied, decide which ones, if any, are worth meeting in person.
5. Call those people up to set up a first meeting in a public place:
• If he/she hems and haws about meeting in person, say goodbye, and cross him/her off your list--you don't need to waste time with someone who doesn't have time to meet, or prefers free phone sex.
• If he/she doesn't want to meet in a public place during hours when others will be around, ask whether it's okay for you to bring a friend along.  If he/she says no, don't schedule the meeting, and cross him/her off your list.
6. At the meeting, note both what is consistent with the profile and phone screen, and what is not.

This should save you from wasting some time, energy, and money, and help you screen to out the wheat from the chaff.  Drop me a comment and let me know what you think!

1. It's not that I'm nosy...

No -- I probably pay too little attention to what other people talk about, and I certainly don't stick my nose in if my attention isn't wanted.

It's just that here and there, good friends and close family members have shared tales of frustration, woe, and willful misrepresentation about their dating experiences -- both online and offline.

What prompted me to take an active role?  It may be that:

   1.  I would love to see my talented, hard-working, kind and generous friends and family members get into happy and lasting relationships.

   2.  Having been in a happy relationship myself for over two decades, I might have something useful to share.

   3.  I'm bossy and big-headed enough to believe that I can rig up a better mousetrap than what's already out there.

Whatever the true reason(s) may be, I certainly can't make the world any worse by blogging about dating with the goal of helping others find true love.  Nevertheless, I do have shortcomings, including:

   1.  No new dating experience since 1990.

   2.  Limited dating experience prior to 1990:  Technically, I dated only two people (see definition of "dating":  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating) because the other two people never deigned to go out in public with me.

   3.  My husband has told me that in some ways, I behave and think like a man -- and hearing this didn't even offend me.

Being a practical person, however, I believe that these drawbacks might actually be advantages because my observations, critiques, analyses, and ideas will not be tainted by:

   1.  The personal need to find a partner (many people out there giving advice are themselves single and looking)

   2.  Bias from multiple and/or fresh wounds from a string of dating disasters

   3.  Unwillingness or utter inability to imagine how the other sex may feel and behave

Best of all, I can offer a longer-term perspective on aspects of dating and relationship-building that have significantly contributed to, in my case, a quarter-century (so far) of fun, mutual trust and love with another person.  This blogging thing will also allow me to fulfill a deep-seated need to create lists in threes.

Until the next post, then!