12. What's Your Attachment Style?

In my life coaching class, the trainer pointed us to an online self-assessment site administered by UPenn's Dr. Martin Seligman, who heads their Positive Psychology Center.

There is one test that may be useful in your dating life because it gives an easy-to-understand result along with a short explanation of what it indicates.  Go to the Authentic Happiness site here, register, and then take the "Close Relationship" questionnaire -- be sure to read and follow the instructions.  The tests are free, and you can see the results right away.

If you find that your attachment style fits with how you envision a good long-term relationship for yourself, then you can be glad that your style is naturally on the right track.

If you find that your attachment style is problematic for or sabotages your vision for a good long-term relationship, don't lose heart.  Be glad to learn what you don't want in a relationship, and then you can begin to consider making some changes to counteract your natural tendency.

If you're already in a relationship, see if your partner would be willing to register and take the test with you.  If nothing else, it can spark discussions about what comes easily versus what is difficult in the relationship, and maybe lead to ideas for what you can both do differently to make things work well.

Let me know whether you find this useful!

11. From dating to the magical 5:1 ratio

I received thumbs up on Post #10 from readers (male and female alike) who are currently in happy relationships -- thanks for letting me know!  It seems that they view creating and maintaining their relationships an active, improvisational art, and they reap the rewards in overwhelmingly positive perceptions about and feelings for their partners, and a secure sense of self from feeling truly loved.

In the last post, I pointed out that researcher John Gottman, et al., found that couples expressing nonverbal cues and narratives about each other of at least 5 positives for each negative ended up staying happily together; and self-described happiest couples had a ratio of up to 20:1.

So scientific observations aside, how do two people who are just getting to know each other arrive at this magical 5:1 ratio?

One way is to follow some olden rules:  be kind to and appreciative of each other, avoid being critical, and be quick to forgive.  However, I find this set of advice simplistic and faulty because it allows a couple to ignore certain fundamental issues.

For an example, if my partner is immature, selfish, and ignores my needs regularly, my being consistently kind, non-critical, forgiving, and appreciative of her good qualities will make her very happy.  However, she may never learn why ignoring my needs will lead me to become unfulfilled or resentful.  She may even believe that everything is fine and that I'm perfectly content because I express only positivity to her.

For another example, if my partner and I both hold these rules of behavior as sacred, there is nothing to prevent us from falling into the trap of conflict- and risk-avoidance.  Over time, settling for what wouldn't rock the boat of our relationship can make individual happiness seem beside the point.  We may automatically suppress any difference of opinion, dissatisfaction with the relationship, or need for personal growth beyond what the relationship currently provide.

Without incorporating in-depth knowledge of each other's thinking, wishes and dreams, behaviors, and values, there is no way to truly appreciate each other.  Without that knowledge, you can't challenge each other to stretch and grow to become more than you currently are, or to live out that vision of your ideal future.  And without that striving and growth, how dreary and dull the rest of life will be!

While every relationship has its proverbial honeymoon period, it should not hold you back from figuring out who each other is as early as possible.  As an alternative to the old set of rules, I suggest the following communication habits to explore, stimulate, and stretch each other:

1. Learn what your date is looking for in life by regularly asking how he/she envisions the ideal future, and share your own vision.  This will give you an idea of whether you are enthusiastic for a future together, or whether a few dates will suffice.
2. Tell your date what you enjoy and value about him/her, his/her behavior, and why.  This will get you used to thinking about and appreciating what matters to you, while letting your date know you feel and what matters to you.
3. If your date behaves in a way that you feel devalues you or is incompatible with building your relationship,  point this out in a timely manner, ask for the reason, and tell why it struck you as negative.  This will get you used to tackling difficult issues, while allowing your date to reveal his/her level of self-awareness, how he/she handles conflict, and how he/she responds to challenges.  If you learn through this conversation and subsequent behavior that your date is flawed but willing to be more considerate, then you have found an excellent reason to value and praise your date.  On the other hand, if he/she ignores, dismisses, or responds aggressively to your concerns, then you have found evidence that he/she's not the right partner for you.
4. If your date brings up an issue about your behavior, be prepared to listen openly, ask why it's perceived negatively (especially if you don't know!) and seriously consider whether a change to your behavior would serve you in the long run.  This will get you used to being open to the good influences of another person.
5. Lastly, encourage your date to do the same with you so that the benefits won't be one-sided.

Over time, you will change physically and emotionally, your vision of the ideal future may change, and what you appreciate about a partner may also change.  If you and your partner practice the art of improvisational, authentic communication regularly, getting to that 5:1 ratio will become second-nature!

10. Which chemistry is the right chemistry?

Having read a number of books written by single authors sharing their experiences playing the dating field (and who continue on in their single state at the end of the books, incidentally), I find that they all have difficulty determining the type of chemistry to prioritize.

They generally give the top spot to "physical chemistry"--that excitement generated by someone's physical appearance, the feel of their touch and kiss, the quality of their voice, and/or their ability to have the great sex with you--and then are baffled when things don't work out.

Understand that I'm an enthusiastic supporter (and beneficiary) of physical chemistry.  However, while physical chemistry will make a good relationship even better, it does not create a good relationship.  In fact, a not-so-good relationship will eventually sour the best of physical chemistry.

On the other hand, as I'd discussed earlier in post #5, positive "relational chemistry" will enhance physical chemistry.  Build a solid foundation for the house first, build the house, and THEN decorate it.

To give you a simplistic summary of what constitutes relational chemistry in a new couple, I take liberty in paraphrasing John Gottman's, et al., longitudinal research on factors that predict with 87% accuracy newlyweds' trajectory toward a happy marriage, a stable but unhappy marriage, or divorce:

• Positive perceptions of each other's behaviors and qualities and the relationship, as demonstrated by how the couple talks about and interacts with each other (including display of fondness, affection, complimenting, teasing, humor, smiling, touching, turning, using "we," etc.)  For couples that are predicted to have a happy marriage, the ratio of positive versus negative interplay is 5 to 1, respectively.  For comparison, the couples most happy with their marriage have a ratio of up to 20 to 1, whereas the couples that later divorce have a ratio of 0.8 to 1. 
• In the face of negativity or in conflict situations that inevitably come up, for those predicted to have a happy marriage, one partner exercises de-escalating and "repairing" abilities that are effective in "soothing" the partner experiencing heightened (physiological) stress.  Examples of de-escalation and repairing include putting a brake on the escalating conflict, acknowledging the situation, taking responsibility, saying sorry, giving the other authentic attention, using humor, or showing other signs of care; note that as a couple gains more experience with each other, these tactics will be effective only if the relationship has a history of being perceived positively by both partners.

You can read some of the research papers (including the minor differences for same-sex couples) here, and see the 4-part video of a Gottman lecture here.

Most happy couples did not read this research or use this research as a roadmap for building their relationship--they mostly improvised.  Nonetheless, I'm sure that like me, they would wholeheartedly agree that the research tracks consistently with relationships we've observed around us:  the good and great ones, the ailing ones, and the ones that broke up.

So my advice is this:  as you're dating, rather than spend too much time getting "sexy" to keep a date interested, pay close attention to the following:

1. Perceptions expressed by you and your date, verbally and non-verbally, while
• Describing each other to someone else; or
• Describing you and your date's shared experiences to someone else.
2. How you and your date interact during a sensitive or tense discussion, or while handling a difficult/problematic situation.

Where you may find it difficult to be attentive and objective in the moment, you can ask trusted friends/family members to tell you what they observe in your interactions.

Thanks to Alma Lafler for making me aware of John Gottman and his colleagues' research--this is fascinating work.

9. Consider the quiet ones for a change

We visited friends this past week in the North Country--we'll call the place Crystal Lake--where the cell signal is so weak you might as well shut the phone off.

While enjoying the meditative state that inevitably sets in, I was drawn to the many parallels between this jewel of a place and the most overlooked type of people on the dating scene--the quiet ones.

First, here's a picture of Crystal Lake for you:  nestled in rolling hills, bounded by a pine forest, a bungalow with porch facing the clear water, with no visible neighbors except a duo of nesting loons.  It's a place with deep history, natural beauty, impossibly lazy days, and starlit night sky.  Its stewards over time have carefully guarded it to preserve the best of itself.

Now, here are the parallels with people who are quiet--those thought of as "shy" by some:

There is no advertisement.  If you didn't know to look for it, you wouldn't be able to find it.  Likewise, quiet people aren't going to speak up around those they don't know well, and are not inclined to compete for the spotlight.  Next to Sociable, Dramatic, Comedic, Tragic, Loud, or Self Important, you will not easily notice Quiet in the crowd unless your senses are attuned.

You have to go the extra mile.  Just as Crystal Lake is not easily accessible without an investment of time and effort to get there, a quiet person requires time and effort to get to know.

There is a high barrier of entry.  You will not be invited there simply by being charming or by paying dollars.  Rather, you have to earn the steward's trust.  Most quiet people I know are not likely to let just anyone into his/her trust, even if it's a friend's friend.

Competition won't be as tough.  Crystal Lake won't ever be overrun with visitors because it doesn't offer any manufactured excitement.  Same with quiet people--they tend to be overlooked by others since they don't call attention to themselves.  You won't have to jostle with a flock of preeners or squawkers to be noticed, therefore you can dispense with rehearsed pick up routines or a slick act.

Quietness should not be equated with a lack of preference or edginess.  It's easy to be lulled into believing that such an accommodating place has no expectations or challenges--that it's there to serve you.  In fact, the place rejects ATVs, speedboats, noisy gadgets, badly-behaved people and pets, and pointless chatter.  It wants melodic harmonies, unending, silly board games, delicious meals thrown together with everyone pitching in, and deep, authentic sharing.  It'll surprise one with prehistoric-looking insects, angry lightning storms, perfect luna moths, and animal jaw bones half buried in the woods.  As long as one is open-minded, these surprises add interest to its attractions.  Quiet people will reveal what make them tick and in what ways they are attractive and interesting, if you make the effort to find out.

You have to behave like a caretaker to be invited back.  Don't expect a guaranteed return ticket just because you were invited there once.  You have to continue to demonstrate your respect for the place and its character, be willing to protect and preserve its privacy, and either restore it to the state you found it or make it better in the right spirit.  With quiet people, you also have to continue to show that you care and value the person and the relationship.  If you are persistent in your care and attention, you will be rewarded with loyalty and tenacious love not easily diluted over time.

Just think what beauty, depth, and fulfilling relationship you may find if you take a chance on a quiet one.

Do you agree or disagree?  Post your comments or email me your thoughts!