5. What was it that made me fall in love?

This is a question that I can only answer on my own behalf.  Depending on who you ask, there will be a hundred different answers.  However, the answers won't usually be just one thing, but a bundle of behaviors that tipped the balance.

Here was my basic bundle:

• He was willing to talk with me about anything, nothing was off-limits.
• He consistently listened to me and added his own insight.
• He was curious about me and regularly asked me questions about my family, my childhood, and my thoughts.
• When I asked him about himself, he answered my questions, never evading them.
• He helped me out whenever I asked, and spent time with me when I needed company.

These tipped the scale from friendship to love:

• He kissed me like he cared how it felt to me.
• He didn't rush me like he had a goal to achieve.

Altogether, these behaviors showed how he valued me as a person and wanted to share himself with me, openly and honestly.  Through these transparent behaviors, I learned that I can trust him.

The magical thing about falling in love with someone is that you suddenly become aware of his/her incredibly compelling, unique, and beautiful features -- like the quality of her voice, the curve of his eyebrows, the way her teeth are crooked (or are perfectly straight), his gait when walking, or the way her she holds a pen -- and you wonder why you'd never noticed them before.  The object of your love becomes the most attractive and sexy person alive because you are emotionally attuned like you are not to anyone else.

In my case, even though I was (and still am) highly independent and self-directed, I became intensely needy for his attention.  I couldn't stop thinking about him, and probably had a big, dopey grin on my face whenever I thought about him or was with him.  The times when I felt that he was distant or unaware of me were keenly painful to me.

Many of these intense needs and feelings seemed unsustainable and destined for a downward spiral of disappointment.  Luckily for me, he didn't shrink from the intensity of my feelings because he felt the same himself.  He met most of my needs by sending me regular letters and visiting me, even though we had to live apart for nearly three years.  For my part, as much as it thrilled me to receive his letters, I produced only infrequent love postcards, which were sufficient for him.

Over time and with his reassurance, I had to acknowledge that some aspects of my expectations were fueled by my insecurities and could not be met by another human being without driving that person crazy.  At the same time, I became quite adept at noticing when he needed to be encouraged (or pushed) out of a mental and emotional rut, and always tried to help him get out of ruts.

So with no guarantee of success and without a roadmap, we fell in love (the easy part) and managed to maintain that love by:

1. Consistently feeding the feelings of love with regular attention and time for each other.
2. Being sensitive and responsive to each other's needs and fears.
3. Continuing to learn about each other and using that knowledge to help each other develop.  This included compromising, which I define as cutting out unreasonable and useless wants/wishes, while promoting each other's health and meeting each other's needs.

If you are/were in a happy relationship, what was it that made you fall in love?  What kept you in love?

4. You have a checklist -- now create your soul mate!

Thanks for all the great feedback!  It's fun and helpful to hear what many of you have to say, and to know that I'm not talking just to myself.

If you remember, back on my second post, I mentioned that almost all online dating sites require that you self-identify physical traits.  Most also require that you list your interests and activities in order to set up a basic profile, and that you do the same for your ideal match.

I have serious reservations about this approach.  It ignores the fact that as human beings, we cannot disaggregate undesirable traits from desirable ones at will.  We come as complete packages stuffed with our DNA, past experiences, present conditions, biases and defects, all overlapping and wrapped up tightly.  It is possible for one to change certain aspects of oneself with consistent effort and reinforcement over time.  However, it's a no-win game to start with the assumption that an electronic checklist will yield a ready-made soul mate, ready to spark instant chemistry with you and integrate into your life.

Without 20-20 hindsight, I know I would not have identified most of my ideal mate's external traits.  Without having met him, I would have gotten the following outright wrong if I had to list what I thought I desired:

• His height
• His hair or eye color
• His race and background
• His profession or income level
• His specific interests and activities

The only traits and qualities I would have gotten correctly would have been:

• His gender
• His highest education level
• His intelligence and internal drive to continue learning
• His open-mindedness to different people and ways of thinking

Conversely, if he had listed traits he was attracted to prior to me, they would also have been vastly different from mine physically and personality-wise.  It is not a stretch for me to conclude that most (if not all) online dating sites would have failed us, or made it very difficult for us to be matched up:  we would have been railroaded to focus on external characteristics that have nothing to do with our long-term compatibility.

My husband and I first met and became closer friends over the course of a year, in fits and starts through many fun, meaningful, and silly conversations and experiences, sometimes with mutual friends and sometimes without, before we realized that we had something deeper than a friendship.  If we had put ourselves under the pressure of having to decide during our first meetings whether we could be "right" for each other, our time together would have been fraught with unnecessary tension and decisions.  We might have come out of them agreeing that we enjoyed talking to each other, but there was no assurance that we would have detected the elusive "chemistry" since we didn't fit into each others' idea of what was attractive or "hot."

What a shame to pass on each other because we couldn't yet imagine spending the next 10 to 50 years together after having coffee, a dinner, and drinks together.

Luckily, we approached each other with no long-term motive other than wanting to get to know each other better, and possibly becoming good friends.  And over a year later, when one of us made the first move and the other accepted, we did not limit ourselves to any fixed idea of what should happen in which order, or how we should each behave in customary roles.  That said, I know many happy couples who moved much more quickly than we did, or where one caught the other's eye as a potential mate before they even met.  Even so, they have something in common with our scenario besides being in love with each other:  they now describe each other as their best friend above all others, not as the fulfillment of their preconceived ideal in looks, height, earnings, or interests and activities.

So my questions to you are:

1. Did your narrow your field of vision for a mate for arbitrary reasons?
2. Do you make snap judgments about profiles and dates based on insignificant reasons? 
3. How would you change your own profile and your view of others' profiles to seek a new best friend?

As always, tell your single friends/colleagues/family if you enjoy this blog.  Post your comment below so others can see what you have to say, or if you're too shy to broadcast your thoughts, please send me a message.

3. Don't go to the store on an empty stomach

Just as one can be too easily tempted by junk food when hungry, it's best to seek a (soul) mate when you feel confident, are happy with yourself, and aren't under external or time pressures.

There's a good reason I say this, despite the wrinkled brows and sputtering I detect -- I've heard from dating singles that there are a lot of "damaged" people out there.  Andy commented that, "the first two dates are usually nice and fun--they're on their best behavior.  But the third date is when you find out what's really wrong with them, and sometimes it's scary."

At a time when you're lacking confidence, are unhappy, or are under pressure, you lose sight of who you are and what type of person is right for you.  You run the gamut of being easily influenced, feeling frustrated and angry, giving up easily, and/or feeling desperate to find somebody, anybody!

Without meaning to, you broadcast the wrong message about yourself, attracting the wrong people and scaring off others.  The least harm you could do yourself by actively looking and dating at a vulnerable time is to lose precious time, money, and emotional energy, and possibly turn a few people off.  At worst, you could go along with or choose someone (or people) who is harmful to you, potentially suffering long-term consequences.

Watch out for these red-flag motivations in yourself and others you meet:

• Having a relationship end or break down, and feeling lost/panic/fear of being alone/fear of being without financial resources
• Subtle external pressure, real or perceived, of feeling left behind as friends couple up/get married/buy homes/have children
• Overt external pressure from family (or friends) that "it's time" to settle down
• Internal expectations such as a timetable for when certain life events should be attained/accomplished
• Feeling unhappy with self or circumstances in life, and believing that having a (new) mate or child will miraculously provide happiness
• Believing that snaring someone with extraordinary assets (such as looks, wealth, fame, power, status, and/or talent) will miraculously provide happiness

I know that some of these reasons are precisely what motives some to couple up, and there are instances of these unions ending up being content or happy.  However, I know of more couples (both short- and long-term) that united for these reasons where one or both consistently show their dissatisfaction with the other, are intensely unhappy, or are happier now that they are no longer together.

As a contrast, all of the happy couples I know, my husband and I included, met each other during a time of strength, when each person was:

1. Engaged in experiencing the here and now
2. Optimistic about and eager to face the future, even if tinged with uncertainty or nervousness
3. Felt confident that he/she had the energy and openness to share experiences with and give trust to another person

Knowing this, I champion taking the harder road of dealing with one's own red-flag motivations, be it with self-analysis, talk therapy, consulting medical/psychological/psychiatric professional, time to heal, or a combination of the above, before hitting the online and in-person dating scene.

Feed yourself a healthy meal before going to the store.

What do you think?

2. The problem with honor system and dating sites...

Before I get started, let me answer those of you who wanted to refer single men or women to me.  Thank you, first of all, for reading my post!  Tell your friend/colleague/family member to either email me or leave a comment below the postings.  Or, if they don't feel like contacting me yet, they can Follow my blog until ready.  I'm thinking of organizing a singles event at some point, and will keep track of those who'd like to be contacted.

Today, let's begin with one critique I have of current dating sites:  They all rely on the user to self-declare his/her own traits.

Now, I like to think that the honor system works because it warms my heart to believe that fundamentally, human beings are rational and self-policing.  While the honor system generally works when it comes to paying 75 cents for a package of M&Ms, reality shows a different human face in the dating world. (For example, see OKTrends' stats from OKCupid: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-biggest-lies-in-online-dating/)

This is consistent with the fact that people do not naturally vote to benefit themselves in the long-term (which requires some work in the areas of self-awareness and critical thinking), but rather with their emotional beliefs (For more in-depth reading, do an online search for "econfaculty.gmu.edu/bcaplan/selfir.doc"), and with a preference for affiliation with the perceived "winner."  Knowing this, it shouldn't come as a surprise when Tall&Handsome shows up at the first date two to four inches shorter than portrayed and with a decidedly plain face, or when BronzeGoddess24 actually has a shapeless body, tubular legs, and speaks in a high-pitched squeak.

With the exception of the bona fide predators, the main problem with online dating sites is that they create an easily-accessible, competitive marketplace that brings out the fears and testosterone in a subscriber, with these heightened emotions roiling while staring at the computer screen or smart phone device in isolation.

In this situation, it's easy to get carried away and inflate one's assets with a few quick taps on the keyboard, thinking that as long as one is recognized or chosen with a "wink" or "flirt," the white lies are justified.  And as my friend Susan added, the same way that applicants who pad or fabricate part of their resumes think that foot-in-the-door for an interview justifies the lies.  After getting through a few dates, those who do not resort to white lies (or even those that do, but aren't honest with themselves about it) begin to fear that majority of the people online are lying, and may feel:

• Vulnerable and confused
• Cheated and angry
• Creeped out and turned off
• In some cases, that it's okay to inflate one's assets

I can hear you asking me now:  "So what do you expect me to do with this problem?"

Well, just as there is an efficient way to screen out candidates in the process of filling a position, I propose a similar method to help you quickly sift through the avalanche of winks, flirts, love notes, and cut-out hearts piling up in your Inbox:

1. Before you even look at your Inbox, review your own profile, and
• Ensure that you're emphasizing your assets, but not inflating or fabricating them.
• Say something like "Please do not contact me if you are not completely honest in your profile," and actively report liars to the administrator.
2. Set aside a limited amount of time either daily or weekly to look at profiles, being disciplined about cutting yourself off once time is up (use an alarm if necessary!)
3. Once you have a batch of, let's say, ten people you're interested in, contact them at the same time, giving each person a maximum of 20 minutes.
• "Interview" those who reply to you using a list of prescreening questions, asked in the same order, weaving them in like a conversation.  You can start with a set of questions to compare what they say versus what's stated on the profile, if they're truly important to you (e.g., When I meet you, what will your height really be?)  Decide ahead of time whether any white lying is acceptable, and if so, what the range of the acceptable fib is (this is different from a job resume, where no fibbing is acceptable.)  Take note of the answers, and assuming they are acceptable, move on to other important questions not covered on the profile.
• Do not commit to making a date at the end of the call, but say you have to go, and thank the person for speaking with you.
• Cross off those who do not reply, and those who do not meet the basic phone screen.
4. Once you've spoken to all those who replied, decide which ones, if any, are worth meeting in person.
5. Call those people up to set up a first meeting in a public place:
• If he/she hems and haws about meeting in person, say goodbye, and cross him/her off your list--you don't need to waste time with someone who doesn't have time to meet, or prefers free phone sex.
• If he/she doesn't want to meet in a public place during hours when others will be around, ask whether it's okay for you to bring a friend along.  If he/she says no, don't schedule the meeting, and cross him/her off your list.
6. At the meeting, note both what is consistent with the profile and phone screen, and what is not.

This should save you from wasting some time, energy, and money, and help you screen to out the wheat from the chaff.  Drop me a comment and let me know what you think!

1. It's not that I'm nosy...

No -- I probably pay too little attention to what other people talk about, and I certainly don't stick my nose in if my attention isn't wanted.

It's just that here and there, good friends and close family members have shared tales of frustration, woe, and willful misrepresentation about their dating experiences -- both online and offline.

What prompted me to take an active role?  It may be that:

   1.  I would love to see my talented, hard-working, kind and generous friends and family members get into happy and lasting relationships.

   2.  Having been in a happy relationship myself for over two decades, I might have something useful to share.

   3.  I'm bossy and big-headed enough to believe that I can rig up a better mousetrap than what's already out there.

Whatever the true reason(s) may be, I certainly can't make the world any worse by blogging about dating with the goal of helping others find true love.  Nevertheless, I do have shortcomings, including:

   1.  No new dating experience since 1990.

   2.  Limited dating experience prior to 1990:  Technically, I dated only two people (see definition of "dating":  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating) because the other two people never deigned to go out in public with me.

   3.  My husband has told me that in some ways, I behave and think like a man -- and hearing this didn't even offend me.

Being a practical person, however, I believe that these drawbacks might actually be advantages because my observations, critiques, analyses, and ideas will not be tainted by:

   1.  The personal need to find a partner (many people out there giving advice are themselves single and looking)

   2.  Bias from multiple and/or fresh wounds from a string of dating disasters

   3.  Unwillingness or utter inability to imagine how the other sex may feel and behave

Best of all, I can offer a longer-term perspective on aspects of dating and relationship-building that have significantly contributed to, in my case, a quarter-century (so far) of fun, mutual trust and love with another person.  This blogging thing will also allow me to fulfill a deep-seated need to create lists in threes.

Until the next post, then!